Tag: Depression

Posted in About today

Days like these

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m doing my best to keep on top of things at the moment, I really am, but the things I’m trying to keep on top of seem to be getting on top of me instead and it’s all starting to feel a teeny tiny bit heavy for my liking. In my heart I guess I knew that there were always going to be days like these because the things that used to be there, well they’re still there and they like nothing better that swimming around in my brain to see if they can’t fuck things up for me again. Yeah – I’m sorry about the swearing but fuck, fuck and fuckity fuck, that’s just the way it had to be….

I’ll tell you what though – let’s not dwell on it any longer, eh? There’s a heap of other stuff I can be writing about and the fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck stuff is boring anyway, right? Here’s a little song called days like these to get us moving along. I chose this one because a) it’s awesome, b) it matches the title of my post and c) why the fuck not? By the way, after this song, I PROMISE not to swear again:

There we go – it’s all feeling a bit better already isn’t it? Who am I trying to kid?

If I set all the fuckity you know what stuff aside I’m left with this: Whatever happens to the WeeGee, and wherever the WeeGee gets to the WeeGee will be a THOUGHTFUL little creature. I’ve been thinking about my thoughts a lot recently which is actually quite a difficult thing to achieve because as soon as you start thinking about what you’re thinking about you clean forget what you’re thinking about and start thinking about something different instead. And if reading that made your brain hurt you should try thinking about what you’re thinking about for a little while and see if you can manage for your brain not to EXPLODE while you’re doing it.

Anyway. When it comes to WeeGee’s thoughts, I think I’ve identified two different kinds: spare brain thoughts and busy brain thoughts. They sound kinda like they’re going to be the opposite don’t they? The thing is, they actually seem to be boiling down to exactly the same thing and that thing is this:

There is simply not enough time in WeeGee land for WeeGee to think all the things she needs to think OR to do all the things she thinks she wants to. Or put another way WeeGee is still very easily OVERWHELMED by the WHOLE BLOODY* WORLD and everything in it and if the WHOLE BLOODY WORLD could just stop for long enough for WeeGee to put her thoughts in order that would be just FINE AND BLOODY DANDY thank you very much.

The headline is that I’m fine, and I’m safe, and I promise I’m not going to jump out any windows but I’m also still searching in vain for the off switch. Or maybe the pause switch, I guess that’s it really.

It’s all very well to be MINDFUL and to SELF SOOTHE and to BE KIND TO THE SELF. I can do all of that and I can do it all pretty damn good. But while I’m doing it all my brain is still in there going ‘oi, oi, I’M STILL FUCKING** HERE and if you’re not going to listen to me and THINK I’m going to make you sick so you have to stop and think even though migraines and stomach cramps and sleeplessness are the LAST THING ON EARTH you need right now’.

Still. Tomorrow is a new day, and my body is feeling well again, and it’s only a matter of time before my brain gets the message. And I always knew in my heart that there were going to be days like these. Upwards and onwards for WeeGee. She’s got elephants to eat…..

No meanwhile in other news today because that is all I’ve got. Nothing else to report save that I love you all lots. Like like lots and lots of Jelly Tots.

Jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

*I don’t consider that a swear word

**Okay you got me on that one. I couldn’t help it.

Posted in Moving forwards

A very particular kind of post

Posted on by WeeGee

This is a very particular kind of post. It’s an ‘it’s pretty late, and I’ve been faffing around all evening, and if I don’t get this post out now I don’t know if I’ll ever find the time’ kind of a post….. Like I said, a very particular kind of post.

I have to start with an explanation, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, I have to start with a clarification. I need to make it clear that when I mentioned the unpleasant stuff that’s been going on on WordPress in my last post I WAS NOT passing any judgements, or taking any sides, or professing that I knew better than anyone else. All I was really trying to say was that I’d been bothered by the whole thing – by what happened, by how it unfolded, and the by way it ended up.

All any of us can ever do is what we think is right and, for the most part, it’s perfectly okay for us to differ. I did receive one comment on the subject which I chose not to approve – but that choice wasn’t about censorship, or not allowing other views to come to the fore. I just didn’t feel that it was necessary to have the discussion, and I certainly didn’t feel my blog was the right place to do it.

And that REALLY is all I’ve got to say about the matter. This is me drawing my own little line under it:

_____________

Anyway – did you all notice that my blog has A BRAND NEW THEME? I kinda like it and I hope that you do too…..

Thoughts? Comments? Indifference?

It was always going to be a short one what with it being late, and it being a very particular kind of post and all. The headline is that WeeGee is a chipper WeeGee again and I’ve got some VERY EXCITING blogging news to share with you VERY SOON. It’s properly exciting. You’re going to love it. This, by the way, is me TRYING TO HYPE SOMETHING UP so you all get as excited as me……. Are you excited yet?!

Meanwhile in other news since last I mentioned minor TV obsessions I’ve done five seasons of 24 and fallen a little bit in love with Jack Bauer. Nothing else to report save that this is the end of the very particular kind of post.

Oh. I almost forgot to mention. It’s penguin awareness day today. So you know, be aware and stuff:

images

Love you lots and lots like jelly tots and tots,

WeeGee

Posted in Moving forwards

The infinite sadness of all things

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not entirely sure where the title of this post came from. In my head it was the title of a book, or a song, or maybe even a line from a book of a song. In the end, not even my expert googling skills could find its origin so it looks like my brain just went and made it up. Which isn’t entirely surprising when you come to think of it.

Since last I wrote I have mostly been having a mild case of the doomy gloomies. Nothing serious, you understand – just that heavy, hopeless, tiresome kind of feeling that pops along every so often to mess with your alien brain. In all fairness the doomy gloomies didn’t exactly come from nowhere. In fact, there were at least three separate contributory factors:

Contributory factor number one: HORMONES – there was a time when I thought I’d never be well enough to have the right amount of the right hormones swimming about at the right time. Now I am well enough I have only one thing to say. Dear hormones, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number two: MIGRAINES – I’ve suffered from chronic migraines for the largest part of my adult life and they are officially rubbish, so rubbish in fact that I have only one thing to say. Dear migraines, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number three: JANUARY – I totally, absolutely, and wholeheartedly hate January so much that I have only one thing to say. Dear January…… You get the picture, right?

The good news is that the doomy gloomies seem to be over and done with now and, for the most part, I’m back to my jolly little self. To be fair, it wasn’t all bad because I had the opportunity to sit with myself and reflect on where I’ve been and where I am and where I’m going to and it was a really good exercise in PERSPECTIVE and important stuff like that. It took me an awful long time to get to the point where it became safe to do nothing other than sit with myself so in the main I’m looking at it as a reason to be cheerful. It’s time to move on, and put one foot in front of the other, and keep on keeping on. That’s what I do, because that’s what I’m good at doing.

Now seems as good a time as any for a couple of reminders. First up there’s Blog for Mental Health 2014. I hope you can find a spare five minutes to find out more and, if you are so inclined take part. I’ve been reading ALL of the pledges, slowly but surely and they’re all pretty cool – sad, happy, brave, funny, inspirational and basically EVERY DIFFERENT KIND OF AWESOME. It’s one of those things that it really is worth taking part in. I also wanted to send out a gentle reminder that all kinds of exciting things take place on How do you eat an elephant’s Facebook page. At the moment I’m taking part in 100 Happy Days and posting my pictures up there. That there is another thing that’s worth getting involved with, by the way. So far I’m really enjoying it – its helping to keep me grounded, and focused on the here and now, and generally engaged with the world round about me….

Before I go I wanted to pass the briefest of comments on the recent ‘stir’ here in the land of blog. I won’t go into the details, because the details aren’t mine to share but the whole thing bothered and upset me in an awful lot of different ways. As far as I can see something pretty unpleasant happened and that was followed by vigilantism, and an ‘outing’ and a judge judy and executioner* kind of thing. Which in my book is pretty unpleasant too. I’m the first to admit that I’m one of those bleeding heart liberals but you know, for every story there is another side and when those sides can’t be reconciled we have due process and the rule of law and justice. The trouble with justice is that we all get it. Even the really nasty people……..

Ho hum….

Meanwhile in other news I’m sitting with Mr Awesome Number Five who is watching soccer ball. And Get This: there’s a player who goes by the name of Noone. What an unfortunate name. Nothing else to report today save that I’m already bored of the soccer ball but it did give me the opportunity to get this post out. Swings and roundabouts and all that.

Love you all like lots and lots of Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*You’ve seen Hot Fuzz, right?

Posted in Blog for mental health 2014

Blog for mental health 2014

Posted on by WeeGee

When it comes to WordPress we mental folks tend to move in pretty small circles so I’m guessing that most of my readers will already have come across Blog For Mental Health 2014? If not it’s a fantastic project and I’d encourage you all to get involved because, you know, lots of voices are an awful lot louder than one. You can get the lowdown on BFMH 2014 here…..

2014 is the first year I’ve taken part in BFMH. I’ve always been aware of it and I’ve always wanted to be involved but somehow, I never seemed to get round to it. Until now. Here’s my pledge. I’m going to put it in bold because it’s VERY important:

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

Blog for mental health

I don’t need to tell you how important mental health is, or how much I believe with all of my heart that we need to embrace it, understand it, talk about it and sometimes, even scream and shout about it* Every single person on the planet has mental health whether it’s good, bad, or a mixture of the two and as far as I’m concerned that makes it very, very important to all of us.

Last year I took a bit of a leap of faith and shared my blog with everyone I know on Facebook. I decided that writing an anonymous blog didn’t square up with some of the things I believed about acceptance and stamping out stigma and so I wrote:

“My name is Gail, but you can call me WeeGee if you prefer. I love my cat, and Frank Turner, and I’m obsessed with Breaking Bad. I like taking pictures of dudes in red trousers and I’m a budding masterchef contestant***. Once upon a time, I starved myself within an inch of my life but I’m better now. Sometimes the darkness creeps in and I get depressed. Sometimes I worry so much that I think I’m going to explode. I take medication to regulate my mood and occasionally I don’t sleep for days at a time. I’m a total geek when it comes to politics and grammar and if I ever grow up I’m going to live in a cottage in Oxfordshire and grow pink roses in the garden. I’m one of those mental people. It’s important that I say it, but it isn’t even nearly the most important thing about me.”

I guess that’s the point I want to make – sometimes my broken brain takes over and I do mad, bonkers, reckless stuff but last year I resolved that wherever my wonky little brain decided it was going to take me that I would never let the symptoms, or the diagnosis, or any of the crazy define me. Because WeeGee has a truck load more than that going for her.

I thought i’d leave you with a song, because it used to be traditional, and this band have long been my go to band when the doom gloomies strike:

Love you all lots, like a billion jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*Note: if you’re planning on shouting and screaming about being mental you should proceed with caution. The normal people get a bit upset when mental people scream and shout in public……

Posted in Moving forwards

Not quite a normal post

Posted on by WeeGee

Since I last posted I have mostly been being back at work. After a VERY long time off…..

I think it’s fair to say that going back to work after the christmas break is tough for most people. For me it was only tough insofar as that I had to do sensible stuff like blow dry my hair, and put make-up on, and wear clothes that weren’t designed to be worn in bed. Apart from practical things like that WeeGee was completely and utterly DELIGHTED to go back to work because WeeGee was starting to miss her routine. And you know how WeeGee loves a spot of routine…….

Anyway – this is my second post of the new year and therefore the second post of Mission Blog 2014. It occurs to me that there are one or two things I need to take care of before I get back to regular blogging…. you know, like points of order, and the back story, and stuff like that.

The points of order section:

How do you eat an elephant?

I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve had a long hard think about the future of my blog. In some ways it didn’t feel fitting to carry on with it anymore and for a while there I thought about starting up again, somewhere new and anonymous. I’d shared my blog pretty widely, real people knew about it, and WeeGee wasn’t really WeeGee anymore. I wondered if I’d lost my hidey hole……

But I’m still here, and so is my blog because I decided that I’ve always viewed this as a journey, even in my very first post. I guess I’m just going to have to keep on going, on this journey, in this space. It wouldn’t make sense if I did it any other way……

How am I going to do this?

I’m not going to be blogging like I used to, you know, like hundreds of words every day. I can’t fit it in anymore because Real Life came along and intervened. The plan, as it stands, (and it might change) is to blog three times a week and to read blogs twice a week. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it’s all I’ve got….

New year, new blog.

Just a little word of warning, in case you’re in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site….. For the next few weeks I’m going to be updating stuff so things might not be where you thought it would be – I’m hoping you’ll bear with me. If you’re not in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site you can ignore this bit by the way.

The end of the points of order section.

The back story:

In some ways the back story is a straightforward, uncomplicated, as old as time, girl meets boy type of story. WeeGee met this guy, and fell head over heels, and it changed EVERYTHING. I suppose it sounds quite unremarkable when you put it like that. I mean what’s new? WeeGee meets a special person, and takes them to her heart, like she always does…….

The thing is, it is new, and it is remarkable because it isn’t really just girl meets boy – it’s WeeGee meets somebody she trusts; it’s WeeGee meets someone and thinks ‘he can bring as much to my life as I can bring to his’; it’s WeeGee meets someone and isn’t so preoccupied with the ending that she brings things to an end prematurely. I suppose what really happened was something good AND I’M LETTING IT HAPPEN.

Mr Awesome Thing Number Five has brought all kinds of things to my life and you know what, when I gave him his name I was spot on because he truly is awesome. He’s kind, and sweet, and patient, and he’s got these gorgeous dimples going on, and Gryff has decided he’s going to tolerate him, and he adores me. Which is just as well, because I adore him too.

I can’t really remember a time when I felt so much like myself, and in a large part, I have Mr Awesome Thing number five to thank for that. It’s not that he fixed me, or that he made me me again. It’s more that he helped me find that last little bit of confidence and strength I needed to get to where I needed to be.

I’m well aware that everything is sounding a bit peachy, and I don’t really mean to paint it that way. It took me a long time to find trust, and to make space, and to figure things out. Right now things are good but I know that I’m capable of trusting more deeply, and making more space, and figuring more stuff out. I think I’ve decided that I’m not one for resting on my laurels so as always it’s upwards and onwards for WeeGee…..

So there you have it: the points of order and the back story. I guess that means my next post will be a ‘normal’ post. Whatever on earth normal means anyway…….

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxox

Posted in Moving forwards

One million and one reasons to be cheerful…..

Posted on by WeeGee

Good afternoon my lovely little chickadees. Is it okay to be so familiar? Do you even remember who I am?! It’s only WeeGee popping up to say ‘hello’ and let you know how I’ve been getting on. I hope you’ve all been keeping okay? I haven’t been hanging out on WordPress much these past few months so I’m afraid I’m way behind on all the news and gossip. A quick glance down my reader suggests that a lot has changed, but I’m pleased to see so many familiar faces and can’t wait to spend some time catching up on what’s been going on.

At this point it would be polite* to welcome all my new readers. I can’t believe how many of you have found my blog since I last logged in! Anyway you are all very welcome indeed. I hope you come to enjoy the weird and wonderful world of WeeGee – I’m really looking forward to getting to know you all a little better in the coming months.

I’m sorry my blog has been so quiet of late. There are all kinds of different reasons that things have been so sparse but I guess it would be fair to say that the biggest reason of all has been that things have changed. Of course when I say that things have changed it’s important to point out that things have very much changed for the better. More about that another day, but for now, I think it’s fair to say that I find myself having less time to blog and, to be honest, a little less to say for myself. I suppose also I’m less likely to turn to my blog when I do have things to get off my chest than I used to be. I’ve got other outlets now. That said, I miss blogging, and I miss my blogging buddies and so despite my long standing conviction that I don’t ‘do’ New Year’s resolutions I’ve decided to make myself a solemn little promise that my much neglected blog is going to be full to bursting in 2014!

For the most part broken brain is on best behaviour at the moment and I’m only a teeny tiny bit mental. To be honest I’m not entirely sure that anybody is going to be interested in what happens here in WeeGee land when those two rather novel circumstances collide but I thought I might as well give it a little go. How do you eat an elephant? will always be a blog about mental health but for now I think it’s going to be a blog about how I’m coping now the darkness and my wonky little brain have decided to leave me in peace for a while. In short it’s a blog about what happens when you survive the worst that your brain can throw at you, come out the other side, and discover what being alive is really all about.

It’s a long time since things have been extreme here in WeeGee land. I’ve been neither AWESOME nor contemplating jumping off a tall thing for what feels like an age. Sure, The Dreaded Jitters turn up every once in a while, I have days where I feel as bleak as bleak can be, and I have other days where things are all a bit bouncy and excitable. Things aren’t perfect, I’m still trying really hard to figure some stuff out, and there’s something fairly major on the horizon that really does have the potential for blowing my happy little bubble right out of the water. You know what though? Broken brain isn’t in the kind of place that it’s going to do any real damage and in spite of one or two grotty bits I have at least one million and one reasons to be cheerful. I’m content with that.

I think that’ll probably do for today. My blogging skills are a little rusty so I happen I’m going to ease myself back in to it……

I’ll see you all shortly.

Love you all lots and lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

*Of course WeeGee is ALWAYS very polite

.

Posted in About today, Recovery?

An update (because I couldn’t think of a better title)

Posted on by WeeGee

As always seems to be the case these days it’s been a while since last I blogged. I must confess that it’s been an awful lot longer since last I read any blogs. I think I might have gone and turned into a bad blogger, but then again and in my defence, there’s been an awful lot going on here in WeeGee land…….

The last time I popped up the crazy was leaking out of my ears. To be honest, I had a serious case of The Dreaded Jitters and there was so much noise in my head that the only thing I could think of to do was boo fucking hoo. I’m not jittery anymore and I’m bored with the whole boo fucking hoo thing, so I guess I should do what we mental blogging people tend to refer to as a ‘proper’ update.

So. How did I get to where a) I was and b) where I am now? That’s what you’re going to need to know if I’m going to do a ‘proper’ update, isn’t it?

I suppose I got to where I was because I took my eye off the proverbial* ball and let myself get a bit overwhelmed. Mostly, I think, I was overwhelmed with work stuff which was a pretty overwhelming thing to happen given that work has always been a constant, and often a means of keeping myself on the straight and narrow.

As to how I got back to here? Well I did my very best to remember that if you don’t like where you are there are two things you can do: 1. Change where you are or 2. Change the way you feel about where you are. Of course remembering wasn’t the hardest part, but I’ll spare you the ins and outs of the therapy – most of you know that for yourselves. The headline is that I’m putting a lot of time and effort into managing my feelings right now and (can we all please touch some wood) things are starting to come back together again.

It strikes me that now, when I have one of my little wobbles, I seem to get back to where I started with another tool in my kit bag. Sometimes it’s a dark journey, but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my darkest days. Being mental is, for the most part, a pretty bum deal. But it isn’t all bad because recovery brings some special things with it – insight, and self awareness, and the understanding that there really isn’t anything your brain can chuck at you that you can’t survive.

I think that’s all I can write for now. I had a wobble, I’m less wobbly now, and I’ve remembered that I’m an active participant in the things that happen to me and this thing we call living.

Meanwhile in other news Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a little bit more AWESOME every day and I have a new minor TV obsession in Walking Dead. Nothing else to report save that it IS NOT A GOOD IDEA to chop chillies then pick your nose. Quite aside from the obvious hygiene implications it doesn’t half sting…..

When I’m all better and proper strong I’ll get back to reading your blogs. In the meantime I hope you’re doing well and I love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

*is the ball proverbial? I’m not convinced but it sounded right….

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The same jeans

Posted on by WeeGee

This post comes with rather a lot of warnings, the first being that it’s late at night and no-one ever really turns out their best work late at night. I’m also in the midst of the most ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that I can remember in a long time, which isn’t going to make for easy reading.

Oh, and before you ask, this post has nothing to do with a pair of jeans unless of course we’re going to accept that WeeGee is having a ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that she’s trying to pin on a pair of jeans even though the jeans have nothing to do with it. Welcome back to WeeGee land……

It all started a few weeks ago when it seemed that my life divided in two. On the one hand I had the whole ‘I’m doing well, it’ll all be fine’ thing going on – on the other it was all a bit ‘what the FUCK, this isn’t supposed to be happening and I’m not too sure what to do to make it right’. I suppose I should have spotted the problem coming down the tracks, but, you know, brains don’t really work like that, especially not alien brains. I’m not going to beat myself up about that.

Anyway – so there I was, wobbling about all over the place. On the one hand everything was fine, and on the other hand it really wasn’t but I was just about managing to ignore the crazy. And then the crazy started leaking out of my ears*

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been so crazy that the crazy leaked out of you ears. I mean, I hope not, because it SUCKS, but then again, at the very least, I’m hoping you’ll know what I’m talking about? For me, I guess, it was one of those moments when I was reminded that I’m not always going to be able to do this whole being alive thing by myself.

So, I did what it used to take me along time to do, and I asked for help.

In some ways I’m lucky. When I ask for help a whole support machine seems to swing in to place around me. But then again, that’s only because of where I’ve been, and what I’ve (somehow) managed to survive. But it’s there, and the most important thing I’ve discovered this week is that I can ask for it.

Tonight I’m feeling very quiet and frightened and, to be honest, a bit boo hoo. At the same time I’m proud because I’m trying to stop the worst of me from happening to myself. I’ve said so many times in my blog that dealing with crazy is about doing the right things even when they feel wrong. Now, I suppose, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As for the jeans? Well they don’t matter at all, so I’m not going to talk about them other than to say that if clothes from the past no longer fit then the past is surely a healthy distance away.

Here’s a song to end on. It’s about jeans. Sorta:

I love you all lots like a million billion jelly tots xoxo

*I borrowed this phrase from a fellow crazy. I know she won’t mind.

Posted in About today

World Mental Health Day (and some sleep deprivation delirium for good measure)

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to say, I guess, is that it’s pretty late here in WeeGee land. The second thing to say is that I apologise in advance for any typos, grammatical errors, or nonsensical nonsense. It’s just that I’m currently functioning* on two hours sleep and my typing, grammar, and sensible skills aren’t at their sharpest…..

It’s alright though, no need to worry because I’m not going to bore you with the boring story of why WeeGee isn’t sleeping at the moment . I’m not even going to fill you on the hilarious (and disastrous) hilarity that befalls a WeeGee when she is experiencing sleep deprivation delirium. Don’t get me wrong, if today was any other day that’s probably exactly what you’d get but today is World Mental Health Day, so I’m going to make some noise about that instead. What else is a mental, sleep deprived girl to do?

This year, the focus of World Mental Health day is on older people – in particular the mental health of the over 55s, because apparently, the statistics would have it that the over 55s are considerably ‘happier’ than 24-54 year olds. I guess that in itself is interesting enough to cue one of my little thinks** but what really struck me about this year’s theme is that the focus is on actual ‘healthy’ mental health.

A great many of the narratives on mental health are about what happens when things go wrong – I for one have managed to fill a whole blog with my own experiences of living with mental health difficulties. The tendency, I think, is to relate the term ‘mental health’ with poor mental health and this (or so it seems to me) is one of the things that marks sufferers out as ‘different’ in some way.

I’m blogging today to state the bleedin’ obvious, as it were, and to point out that EACH AND EVERY ONE of us has mental health. For some of us it’s good, and for some of us it’s not so good but we very definitely have it in common. I can’t help thinking, when you look at it that way, that if only we would talk to one another we’d learn an awful lot, and end up all the richer for it whichever side of the divide we tend to sit.

Right now, I’m not too sure which side of the line I’m sitting, but I’ve come to an understanding with myself: it really doesn’t matter. When I was depressed I thought that everyone who wasn’t depressed was happy. Now I’m not depressed I realise that was the depression doing my thinking. Now I’m not depressed I just sort of am. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m million different kinds of feelings (occasionally all at the same time) I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve had to learn a lot about not being depressed and I’ve mostly learned that by paying attention to the people in my life who were taking care of their mental health.

I’m much better at taking care of my mental health than I used to be. I know that I need to keep myself fed, and watered and rested. I know that I need to make time to exercise, and get fresh air, and laugh at myself when I get obsessive about whatever my latest minor obsession is*** I need to read books, and take photographs and spend time with the people who matter to me. Most of all I know that sometimes I need to be brave enough to sit with myself and feel the feelings. It took me a long time to realise that those were the sort of things that other people had been doing all along – taking care of their mental health without even realising it.

I’m not over 55 and I wouldn’t describe myself as happy**** so I’m not too sure what I can contribute to spreading the word about that. What I can say is that it’s World Mental Health Day. And mental health, whether it’s good or bad, is something we should all keep talking about.

A serious one from me today. But even the WeeGee is serious once in a while. But then again, look at this photo it proper made me laugh:

20131010-234406.jpg
Love you lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

Ps. I’ve got a new blogging and blog reading plan so hopefully I’m back in the game after my recent spell of ‘I don’t know what to say/I’ve run out of time’

*I use the word in the loosest possible fashion
** If nothing else I thought hey, that’s a reason to be cheerful because I’m not 55 yet so it can only get better
*** currently a fairly even mix of Breaking Bad, collecting conkers***** and pickled onions
****Primarily because I’m functioning on two hours sleep and I’m really rather ANXIOUS
*****You may know them as horse chestnuts.

Posted in Moving forwards

Remember me? WeeGee?

Posted on by WeeGee

I suppose you know it’s been WAY too long since your last blog post when the great and the good of the blogosphere start popping up all over the place to say “hey there WeeGee! Are you still there or did you go and fall off the end of the universe or something?”

I’m not entirely sure how it got to be quite so long since my last post. I’m conscious that it was a big post and that maybe, at least in a small part, I spooked myself a little when I realised quite how candid I’d been. Most people were nothing short of AWESOME about the whole ‘attention real world: I am a mental person’ thing but one or two weren’t quite so pleased which hurt a little. Then again, I guess all it goes to show is that you can’t please all of the people all of the time……

Anyhow – that’s all done with now and I’m back which means there’s only one thing for it: A Spectacular Update On All The Spectacular Things WeeGee Has Been Up To. Who’s in?

So. Is everything all spectacular here in WeeGee land? Well of course not, but that’s not the way the world works. On the other hand if you were to ask is WeeGee well, and taking care of herself, and still putting one foot in front of the other? Well hell yes, and then some. When you’re depressed I think you think that getting better is going to be the opposite of where you are, and that you’ll somehow start to leap out of bed in the morning full of hope, and optimism and HAPPINESS. The thing is that the normal brains don’t work like that, so why on earth would a getting better mental brain behave that way?

Life isn’t perfect, or perhaps more accurately, the way I interact with life isn’t perfect. I’m still pretty frightened, and overwhelmed, and likely to hide. But I’m out there, and I’m doing it anyway and if I’m honest it really doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. Do you know what? If this is as far as I’m ever going to get I’m going to take it and be content: it doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. I don’t suppose you can say much fairer than that.

Since last I blogged I’ve been having a real life. I’ve been finding my mojo at work, and working things out with Mr Friendly, and taking lots of photos, and cooking lots of food. I guess I’ve been doing what I said I was going to do: working out who WeeGee is now. Maybe that’s the headline – it isn’t perfect, but WeeGee finally has a real life and she likes it.

As always I saved the best for last. On the one hand I know that another person shouldn’t ever count as the best thing. But on the other hand that rule doesn’t account for Mr Awesome Thing Number Five* turning up. What can I say? That I don’t deserve him? That I can’t believe my luck? Or that maybe I’m going to take this too because it works (thus far) and that we’re happy (thus far) and can anyone spot anything else that matters? Thought not…..

Much in the same way as I didn’t mean to be unwell, I didn’t mean to get better. I kept on keeping on, doing all the right stuff, and hoping for the future. Where I’m at now just kinda happened, and that’s not miraculous. It’s just the way life ebbs and flows, and the way the brain behaves, and the way somehow, if you hold on tight enough you’ll always come out on the other side.

I love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

*if I’d known how things were going to turn out is have given him a shorter name.

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