Tag: Blogging

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Posted on by WeeGee

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous

Posted in About today

I am sailing

Posted on by WeeGee

Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.

So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.

Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?

That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.

I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?

I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.

I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.

Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.

Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..

Love you lots and lots, WeeGee McAlien-Person

Posted in About today

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo

Posted in About today

WeeGee has a bit of a birthday

Posted on by WeeGee

Once upon a time WeeGee didn’t write a blog but then one day she decided to start one. And it was one of the smartest decisions she ever made……

It isn’t often that you know exactly what you were doing this time last year and it usually isn’t a good thing when you do. Up until now, my anniversaries have always been sad – the anniversary of someone leaving, or something ending, or something sad happening. Today is something of a novel anniversary for me because today marks the one year anniversary of my blog. That, by the way, is a very happy anniversary.

I suppose the first thing to note is that my blog has survived this long. It wasn’t one of my fads which was all AWESOME in one of my awesome moments and forgotten the next. I’ve managed to see it through, to tend it, and let it grow. That in itself marks WeeGee coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

But it’s so much more than that. Blogging has been good for me. Writing the experience of my life has been the most valuable tool I’ve ever found in terms of getting, and keeping myself well. Having a blog to keep up to date forces me to live in the moment and to remember that life is nothing more than a series of moments brought together. Blogging has taught me more than I ever thought I’d know about the holy grail that is the ‘here and now’.

When I started writing my blog this time last year I was at a very low ebb. I wanted to make it, but didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place – I wanted to be dead, I didn’t care about anything, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local A&E. It was only a matter of time before I did myself a serious mischief.

And then there’s now. I don’t want to be dead, and I care about more things that I could possibly mention. Better still it’s months since I last turned up at A&E to be patched up, or put right, or because I had nowhere else to go. The best of all? I want to be alive and the things I care about are AWESOME.

A year on and I’m doing well. It’s been a fantastic journey and I love all of the people I’ve connected with along the way. It strikes me that my online life mirrors my real life in that I’ve always been really lucky when it comes to friends.

So anyway, this is WeeGee checking in one year later. She’s still a bit vulnerable and wonky. But mostly she’s eating the elephant because that’s what this year has been all about.

All you can do is the right things. It can, and does, get better in time.

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Love, loyalty and laughter

Posted on by WeeGee

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Moving forwards

I’m fine. So there….

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

 

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

 

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

 

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

A little favour?

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening folks. How’s it all going?

You know me – I’m not in the habit of asking for favours, but this is an important one. A good friend of mine has a nephew who’s hoping to make it all the way to the World Dwarf Games in the USA, but he needs a little help to get there.

I’ve never met Tom, but I have met people who care about him which is why I’m sharing this link in the hope that you will be able to help by a) donating whatever you can OR b) sharing the link on your blog, Facebook, Twitter – whatever. The more people who know about this the more support Tom will get and that’s the name of the game.

http://www.gofundme.com/28io0k

It’ll only take you a minute to support a proper actual superstar in achieving his potential…. Awww – go on, there are lots of mental people – we could get some momentum going…..

🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Because it was there

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

Hitch hiking all the way to Planet Mental

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.

You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..

Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?

Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂

I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.

Here’s a song. It is a song what I like:

The end

HUGE love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo