Category: Welcome to my world

Posted in Welcome to my world

Breaking news: WeeGee is still thinking…..

Posted on by WeeGee

My last post was a miserable little affair, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. I feel better for having written it because finally seeing the thoughts, in black and white, reminded me that there’s only one person responsible for the choices WeeGee makes and the way she feels in consequence and that’s WeeGee herself. What I think I’m saying is that maybe I’m not as good at boundaries as I thought I was and that there’s a lesson to learn. I do so love it when there’s a lesson…..

Since last I wrote I’ve been about a million different kinds of thoughtful – I wonder if I’ll ever be short of thoughts? I suppose I’ve been a bit hyper aware of the thoughts because there was no Mrs Mountain which meant I was completely in charge. I seem to have survived being in charge of all the thoughts without jumping off any tall things. Go me.

If I’m really honest, I suppose I’ve been having a small hide for the past week or so. It wasn’t one of those stay in bed wishing you were dead hides, more a WeeGee has been knocked for six by recent events and needs to get her thoughts in order kind of hide. I need to remember that my tendency is to give too much of myself away and that I get too wrapped up in the words and actions of other people. I need to remember that when WeeGee gets knocked for six she has to take a big step back and look after her own interests before she gets all worried about what anybody else might need from her.

Breaking news: Looking after yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people too.

(Repeat ad nauseam until you believe it)

I’m still thinking about what comes next for WeeGee. I’ve added another option to the list of options. If law is my dream then I guess doing a PhD is my pipe dream but, hey, I’m feeling a bit WeeGee can take on the world right now so maybe it’s time to pursue a pipe dream? As to what I’d study? Well it’d be an AWESOME piece of research on the relationship between language, information literacy, politics and the sense of self in social media. Yep. Really. Funding might be a bit tricky, but I’m not ruling anything out just yet because that’s not the sort of mood I’m in.

Before we get onto the meanwhile in other news section I wanted to come over a teeny tiny bit sentimental if I may? It’s just that it occurred to me, while I was hiding, that there are one or two online people who’ve come to mean an awful lot to me in the real world too. You make a lot of connections with people when you blog, especially when you blog about mental health issues. Those connections are important, and start to form part of your support network and that’s TOTALLY AWESOME. At the same time, I’ve stumbled across connections that are about more than having mentalness in common and I find myself in the odd position whereby I’ve NEVER EVEN MET some of my very favourite people on the planet.

So here’s a quick shout out, and a quick thank you, and a quick hi to my friends and favourite people I’ve never met: Carrie, Kendra, Garry, Jen, Erin, Zoe, and Rhio. You guys are so special that you get to live in WeeGee’s heart. But not in a creepy way :-p

Meanwhile in other news I’ve finally started the light therapy for my psoriasis. It’s a bit of a faff but I’ve got my fingers crossed it helps because I’m close to my wits end with it all. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Get me away from here I’m dying

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

http://youtu.be/yS_DcqPkEYM

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

In which WeeGee tries to be coherent (and might fail)

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening everybody.

I thought it was high time I did a proper update because my last few posts have been a bit existential, and topsy turvey, and – let’s face it – nonsensical. What can I say? I got a little lost in it all for a while there…..

It’s easy to get lost isn’t it? It occurs that ‘getting lost’ has nothing to do with being mental – it’s just one of those things that happens every once in a while because we’re all as mixed up as each other. My trouble, I guess, is that when I get a bit ‘mixed up’ I see it all unfolding before me, and coming down the tracks, and getting bigger and heavier all the time. And then it ends up with me jumping off a tall thing because that’s the way it always used to be. The lesson I have to learn is that it doesn’t have to be that way because I’m over that stuff now.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective: a reminder of who you are now instead of the constant marker of who you used to be. Who you used to be, I think, is the only person who’ll stop you being who you’re going to be so its important that you don’t dwell on that person too much. You have to move on – always forwards, always without the past and the old you mucking it all up.

It’s ages since I mentioned any of the significant others in my life because my head’s been full of me, and how lost I get, and how difficult it can be. Today I’m going to mention Mr Friendly who never loses patience, who always points me in the right direction, and who is possibly more of a politics geek than I am. I’m glad he’s in my life. I should also mention Mr Wise AKA WeeGee’s dad who has got her this far and still sees the funny side. I’m glad he’s in my life too. As for Mrs Sparkle – where on planet mental would I be without her? Everybody needs a Mrs Sparkle in their life, with her boxes of wine and cups of tea and HUGE hugs, and the ability never to say I told you so even when she clearly did ‘told you so’. When you’ve got people like that in your life it doesn’t ever have to be difficult. I’m glad for all the people I have in my life.

I guess there’s also Mr X who is a sorta significant other. I think I maybe got a bit lost in that which isn’t to say he isn’t significant – it’s just that I’ve already got people who point me in the right direction, and who see the funny side, and who administer cups of tea. I can’t put the whole of the old WeeGee on someone new, but I can let them know ME. Me now as I really and not as what I used to be. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but I don’t mind so long as I know the real me is the me who’s shining through. I want him to know me, now and as I am. And that’s who I’m going to be.

Did this make any more sense than my recent posts? In my head it does and maybe that’s all I can hope for.

In brief? It’s going to be okay, one way or another, so long as WeeGee is okay. And she will be.

Cheery-bye xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Love, loyalty and laughter

Posted on by WeeGee

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

The wide awake club

Posted on by WeeGee

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

Hitch hiking all the way to Planet Mental

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.

You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..

Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?

Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂

I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.

Here’s a song. It is a song what I like:

The end

HUGE love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Pinch of salt

Posted on by WeeGee

So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.

I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?

When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.

This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.

It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.

I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?

Love you all lots, like jelly tots. WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

I’ve really gone and done it now

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m going through a bit of a phase at the moment – I keep doing things that I’ve been meaning to do for ages and then wondering why on earth I hadn’t done them before. I suppose the obvious answer is that if I had tried to do these things before I wouldn’t have been strong enough to see them through. Still, I’m enjoying rediscovering how easy it is to get back to yourself when you’re ready too. If I’m honest I’m a bit worried about what happens when I come off my medication – I can’t stay on it forever after all. Still, that isn’t going to happen for a long time which means it’s a worry for another day.

During my quiet night in last night* I took something of a leap of faith and decided to sign up for – wait for it – an online dating site. Yep. That’s me. On an online dating site. Oh my word! Gawd only knows what I’m trying to achieve – to be honest it doesn’t feel too bad so far although I found myself at a loss for words when someone asked if they could buy me a coffee**. Eeeek!

I suppose I felt like it was time for me to move on. I’ve been in mourning for Mr Friendly for more than two years now. For all that time I’ve kept the notion that one day he would work through whatever he is working through and decide that I was the one for him firmly in my heart. I guess it might happen one day – but equally it might not. In fact, if I weigh up the facts over the feelings it’s more likely not to happen than to happen.

So it’s over to the outside world. I’m under no illusions and to be honest if I meet the man of my dreams on the Interweb I’ll eat my hat or somefink. But you never know –  I might come across some interesting people and make a few friends along the way.

Eeeek! The WeeGee is on an online dating site. I’ve really gone and done it now……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Which was so lovely I’ve decided to have another one tonight

**And not just because I don’t like coffee!

Posted in Welcome to my world

What if I can’t stop?

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to do today is say: if you are at all vulnerable about food, weight, body image and other such things might be best if you skip over this one…..

I think there must be something in the air at the moment – because a couple of other bloggers have posted about similar things this week. Perhaps it’s National Former Eating Disorders Bite You On The Bum Week or something…..

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering rather than recovered because I don’t think disordered thinking about food ever truly goes away. It hangs around in the background and you have to work very hard to keep it there.

Nonsense thinking about food has been in the background of my brain for more than 10 years. During that time I’ve maintained my weight at an acceptable level with only one exception – when Mr Friendly and I split up. I lost an awful lot of weight at that point, dipped below ‘healthy’ and had a smallish battle to get back to where I needed to be. The point is, I did get back. The other point is that I have more or less maintained my weight for more than ten years. That other point is REALLY BIG NEWS by the way.

I still have a funny relationship with food. I eat because I have to. I rarely eat because I’m hungry and I hardly ever eat because I want to. The notion of ‘comfort eating’ makes no sense to me at all because I don’t ‘enjoy’ food. It’s just a necessity – like air.

My thoughts about weight are a little bit difficult too. I don’t know how much I weigh because I can’t know. If I knew it would bother me – I’d try to round the number down to something nice and even and then I’d get obsessed with it being even and I’d try to get it down as low as possible in an attempt to have the best chance at keeping it even…. If that doesn’t make any sense to you should count your lucky stars at this point.

Understanding of eating disorders has moved on a lot since I was poorly and I think most people know that eating disorders have absolutely nothing to do with being thin. What I don’t think many people realise is that eating disorders often have EVERYTHING to do with not being fat. It’s a subtle difference and one that still governs my life to a certain small extent.

I’m ashamed to say that I think unpleasant things about being fat. I have a morbid fear of being overweight and even if I could cure my fear I wouldn’t want to because it terrifies me too much to even think about it. This fear has nothing to do with vanity although it has a lot to do with outward projections and the space I occupy in the world.

Reading that back it must appear to you that I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight. I know that it isn’t ideal but I do know that it is managed. I’m aware, I have insight and that means I can keep myself in check. It makes for a miserable existence at times, but the process of keeping a well body when you have a broken brain is actually like heaven on earth when you compare it to the horror that is an eating disorder in full flow. Forget the times when my brain wants to jump off a building, or eat three packets of painkillers, or write ‘POINTLESS’ on my arm with a razor blade. Those things are a walk in the park compared to what an eating disorder does to your brain, your body and your life.

I’m terrified of being fat, but going back to the dark days of the starvation diet terrifies me so very much more. It is genuinely my biggest fear in the world because I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you manage to beat twice in your life.

I suppose I should let you know why I’m telling you all of this (I’ve been putting it off). The thing is I’ve put a little bit of weight on recently. I know I have because I can see it, and because I can feel it. I know that I’m not anything approaching fat – in fact I look healthy at the moment. My backside has made a re-appearance and I can wear a WonderBra and look like I might have some kind of a bust going on. My skin is healthy, and there are two nice apple type things where my cheekbones used to live. My ribs are in retreat.

This is all great – it’s nice to look in the mirror and see a healthy human being looking back. But at the back of my mind there’s a scary, scary thought that won’t go away: what if I can’t stop.

It’s spinning round and round and round.

It’s screaming at me: WHAT IF I CAN’T STOP? It’s scary because I know exactly what the answer is.

The answer is JUST STOP. Just like that. Don’t just stop, make up for it – you don’t want to run the risk of being fat after all and the best way to avoid ever weighing too much is by weighing as little as possible. It’s like an insurance policy.

I know this is all ridiculous and disordered and not at all rational. But it doesn’t have to make sense for it to be scary. I am on guard at the moment. It seems I’m destined always to be on guard against something. If broken brain isn’t terrorising itself thinking about how pointless everything is it manages to find something else to keep me in a state of absolute terror.

Curse my broken brain.

Lots of love from WeeGee