Sometimes it’s really funny the way things turn out…. I’m currently dating a guy called Craig. Before that I dated a guy called Daniel. Before that I dated a guy who described himself as Daniel Craig’s body double*…. Weird huh?
Anyway – all of that aside, I figured it was time for a proper update. And by proper I mean not all BOO HOO or all AWESOME and just a bit matter of fact this is what’s going on in WeeGee land at the moment…..
Bottom line? Life is good and I can’t find a single thing to complain about** I went from ‘dating’ a lovely guy to being ‘in a relationship’ with a lovely guy which ought to be weird and scary but which is actually just natural and nice. You can spend years and years and years of your life dreading and avoiding something until one day the thing you were dreading and avoiding turns up and you are somehow glad that it did.
Hmmm. So the thing is that this time last year I was a bit mental. I was hiding, and jumping off tall things, and waiting for it all to be over. This time last year I wasn’t coping. As for now? Take that broken brain. I’m all better, and well, and IN YOUR FACE DEPRESSION. Oh and I seem to have remembered what the future feels like and it’s all cool….
I suppose the pertinent point at the moment is my upcoming birthday. What should I do? A big thing with all the people I know (scary), a medium thing with the important people (scary) a small thing with the old folks, or the new folks, or the wordpress folks. BUMS.
This isn’t the kind of song I usually share
Jelly tots xxxx
*To be fair, there is definitely a resemblance
**I could if I tried. But why try?
First up the sun is shining and all is well here in WeeGee land. On which note I have a message for all the people who think it’s ‘too hot’: Shut your face and do one of the following:
• Take your shoes off and walk barefoot on grass
• Eat an ice cream
• Go to the seaside
• Get over it
Okay?
We’ve had a funny few weeks on ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ haven’t we? It’s all been a bit wobbly and Boo Hoo and why don’t we just go ahead and jump out the window. To be fair, I think I got a little bit lost in things that don’t matter – you know, like the future and stuff.
The last time I updated you I was feeling a bit scared and a bit hidey and a bit WHAT THE FUCK? I’ve settled down again now and I’m mostly thinking that old thing about the future starting here.
Let’s forget about all the weird shit I could worry about. I’m a happy and lucky little soul. And that’s going to do me……
Today I have mostly been feeling quiet and introverted. I’ve also been feeling grateful for all the lovely people I have in my life – especially those who spotted the ‘hide’ and popped up to say ‘hey – are you hiding WeeGee?’ I love you all like jelly tots xoxox
I’m not entirely sure what I’m hiding from unless, of course, it’s the future, which is my favourite thing to hide from. The future is a bit like time and space insofar as that it’s impossible to comprehend and way too big for a simple creature such as WeeGee to get her head around.
Last night I wrote a post. I was trying to say stuff, and make sense of stuff, but when I came to read it back it seemed like it had been written by somebody else. That wasn’t me at all, and so I started to wonder just how lost I really am. Truth told, I think I’m a lot more lost than I’d ever care to admit. Oh bums and stuff….
Yesterday I was all brave and ‘let’s give this a go’. Today I’m frightened and overwhelmed and not sure where to turn next. Today I am reminded that a ‘highly sensitive individual’ is easily confused, and easily scared, and maybe not cut out for this whole dating thing. I do the same thing every time – fall head over heels in love with a guy who just doesn’t feel the same way. I remember the good bits and ignore the great big flashing warning signs. I do it to myself:
So what next for WeeGee? Who knows…..? Maybe I need to listen to Mr Wise, or maybe I need to listen to Mrs Mountain, or maybe I need to listen to Mrs Sparkle, or maybe I need to find a way to listen to my heart – which is an awful lot easier said than done.
In all of this Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a bum deal and I feel really sorry for that. Then again – I can only ever be the mental person I was supposed to be. This is Wibbly wobbly wobbling WeeGee – I guess you take it or you leave it.
I’m not sure if this post makes a lot of sense, but I do know that it sounds like me. That, I guess, is the main thing.
Meanwhile in other news I spent a lot of time today planning my next Tatty Devine purchase. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots like jelly tots and tots.
Well. It’s all been a bit topsy turvey, wobble wobble, WeeGee has a little think of late hasn’t it? Thanks for sticking by me and for putting up with me – I really appreciate that.
There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve kinda been skirting around it on my blog. I figured I might as well do a bit of a fill in the gaps post so that you all know where I’m at and so that I’ve taken the time to explain it all. It’s either that or do the whole ostrich routine. Which is boring……
I’m wobbling because I can’t control what’s going to happen and if ever anything is going to make me wobble it’s not being in charge of the future. A while ago, I decided I needed a break from dating because, you know, there was some thinking to do, and lessons to learn. And then Mr Awesome Thing Number Five turned up. Which wasn’t supposed to happen and which challenged the whole take a break thing.
So – why did I want to take a dating break?:
• Because I’m still, however well I’m doing, mental
• Because I actually like being alone
• Because I keep (quite deliberately) hooking up with inappropriate blokes – which proves the last two points
• Because everything ends and I can’t stand endings
Why don’t I want to take a break anymore?:
• Mental isn’t the end of the world
• Being alone isn’t exclusive to spending time with people
• Mr Awesome Thing Number Five isn’t inappropriate in anyway
• You have to do the thing before you get to the ending…..
Hmmm.
I guess I just have to wait and see don’t I?
Whilst we’re sort of on the subject I want to wrap Mr X up. He feels a long time ago, and I know he was inappropriate. If you ‘separate’ from your spouse but find yourself living with said spouse seven months later then you are clearly not ready to date. I knew that at the time, in my head at least. I’m not sad that things didn’t work out between Mr X and I, because they were never going to. I’m just sad I lost a friend, and I don’t really understand why meeting up for a cup of tea is so unspeakably impossible. Then again, as Mr Wise pointed out – that’s a useful lesson in how other people don’t always behave like WeeGee.
But back to Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. Well he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And I think he’s going to tell me the truth.
And I’m terrified.
But I’m not going to hide.
Love you all lots and lots. Like jelly tots and tots.
You might have noticed that I’ve been a little bit wobbly of late. I could say that I don’t know why I’m wobbly but if I said that it would be a lie and I’m not much of a one for that. You might also have noticed that it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Well yeah, I’m not sleeping well on account of being a little bit wobbly and stuff like that……
I can’t pretend. I’m kind of, sort of, and mostly hiding in my little hidey hole. I like it here. It’s all easy, and safe, and no-one can get in. And my god, I wish it was that easy. Turns out that you can’t keep the world out by pretending it isn’t happening. That’s the thing about the world. It doesn’t stop. Not even when you want it to……
So – I met this guy. In an accidental fashion, as is always the way. And he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And he’s funny. And he’s clever. And he’s already verging on too good to be true. And I keep thinking, as is my way, that I don’t deserve this. He’s a special person and special people always leave.
I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I know it didn’t ought to matter, and I know that this is my downfall. But what if, just for once in my life, I’m right? What if I stumbled across that special person who wants to live in my heart? Even for a little while?
But then I remember that I’m wrong.
I spent a long time wishing I wasn’t alone. And then I got used to it.
Funny one from me tonight. I’ve a great big post forming in my head but I’m not quite ready to write it so I thought I’d go for a few points of order:
Point one: Hello to my new followers. There’s been a lot of you recently and you’re all welcome to the awesome and occasionally slightly demented place that is WeeGee land
Point two: I’m sorry I’ve been so rubbish at reading your blogs. I’ve got a system now so I’ll be better from now on. Promise.
Point three: Does everyone know about my facebook page? All welcome
Point four: I’ve a brand new blog, I could use your support. Go on….
Love you lots. And lots. And lots. And lots and lots and lots xxxx
Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.
So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.
Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?
That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.
I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?
I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.
I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.
Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.
Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..
Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.
I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.
To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.
As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.
Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.
I’ve been feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ for the past couple of days which would be a total pain in the arse if only I could bring myself to care. I hate feeling like this but I’m consoling myself with the fact that I only feel like this for a couple of days at a time now which is infinitely better than it being the perpetual state of affairs for months and months at a time. What a bleak way of looking on the bright side.
When I got up this morning I decided it was high time that WeeGee had herself a bit of a hide because when you’re feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ and your brain is full of thoughts and feelings that you can’t figure out a bit of a hide is the only thing for it.
Sometimes you have to stop the world so you can find a way to make sense of your place in it……
As to whether I feel any better at the end of my hide? Who knows. I’m still a little tired of the world, but maybe not as tired as I was to start with. Perhaps that’s just the way it goes, and I simply have to get used to being tired of the world and the people in it every once in a while. It’s a shame because I much prefer it when everything is AWESOME.
I suppose I managed to remember one or two things – like how worrying is pointless, and how I can only ever be the person I am, and how I can’t stop the thoughts but I can choose what to do with them. Spot the lifetime in counselling. I wonder if that’s the problem? Maybe I’m tired of the fact that my tendency to being mental always has to shape the way I live my life.
I know that things are getting under my skin at the moment and that I ought not to let them but it really doesn’t work like that. Maybe I am a bit ‘clucky’ but it’s not the sort of thing your best friend ought to point out to you, all things considered. Maybe I would be a ‘high flier’ at work if I didn’t have the problems I do – but where does knowing that get me? Maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve is going to leave me hurting – but it’s always lived there and I don’t know where else to put it.
Today I think I’d like it if running away was an option. I’d happily board a spaceship and cross my fingers that I ended up landing amongst my kin. I’ve been wondering if there’s such a thing – WeeGee’s kin that is – because it occurs that I’m really lonely even though my life is filled full of people.
Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report save that I love you all lots like jelly tots. Oh. And I’ll be back tomorrow being even more AWESOME than before.
How do you eat an elephant? 