Author: WeeGee

Posted in About today

My secret is my silence

Posted on by WeeGee

Since last we spoke it’s been the usual mixture of highs, lows, and everything in between here in WeeGee land. Some things never change….

I think it would be fair to say that I’ve been trying to write this post for a little while. There have been a couple of unsuccessful attempts and at least of MILLION drafts in my head. It’s that same old thing again: I can make it make sense until I try to tell someone else about it at which point I start sounding like an alien from Planet Mental.

I had one of those odd little moments today. I was on my way home after my Mrs Mountain appointment. The sun was shining, the appointment was positive, and I was still all shiny happy shiny after a lovely little evening with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. And then I started crying. At first it was just a few stray tears that were well hidden behind my sunglasses but before I knew it I found myself sitting on a wall sobbing. There might even have been the occasional howl. Eventually a kind dude stopped to ask if there was anyone he could call which, it turned out, was the only intervention I needed to help me pull all the disparate parts of myself together again.

I dispatched of kind dude fairly quickly – I mean, he was kind an all but I wasn’t much in the mood for conversation – crossed the road, bought a packet of cigarettes, returned to the ‘wailing wall’ and smoked two of them in quick succession thinking “Well….. that was a bit different wasn’t it?”

That pretty much sums up where I am at the moment: it’s all fine until you scratch at the surface because underneath the surface there’s a whole heap of crazy trying to leak out. Every so often I forget myself and wind up with a massive load of crazy to mop up.

The thing is, I can see what’s happening and I’m working as hard as I know how to stop it. Unravelling is such a weird thing – you can can see it, and see it, and see it, and then suddenly you can’t see it anymore because you’ve gone alien again. That’s EXACTLY where I’m trying not to get to.

It’s difficult – I’m not depressed and I’m not about to harm myself in anyway shape or form. At the same time I know I’m not right, and I know that might equal trouble. I’m detached from everything and especially from my life. There’s so much going on and it’s not that I don’t care, it’s more that I’m just an observer so what does it matter? There are things I need to do but instead of doing them I’m over focusing on the weird and the wonderful – a holiday in Orkney, a half baked idea for a business, what my new haircut might look like, penguins. Anything that isn’t reality.

I’m also a bit lost in that long forgotten idea that I let everyone down, and that everyone leaves in the end. I’m convinced that everyone hates me because, well because how could they do anything else? These are such old ideas and I thought I’d left them behind. I only half believe them but that seems like enough….

Do you know what? I’m completely terrified. This isn’t at all what I was hoping for because I thought I had my brain on side and that it would it would be happily ever after. Then again, perhaps I was being naïve to think that it was as easy as all that.

Anyhoo. I think that’s as far as I can go for now. I hope it sorta makes sense.

I’ll leave you with a song, because it’s traditional and sometimes songs say it better anyway….

Meanwhile in other news I’m on a massive high horse about UKIP at the moment at the moment, because they’re deplorable and stuff. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all like jelly tots. Which is A LOT,

 

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in About today

Fade away

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening chickadees! How’s it all going?

We had one of those miserable little posts earlier in the week, didn’t we? It had been a tough day, during a tough week, at the end of a tough month and I’d been doing my best to pretend none of it was happening. When I put it like that it’s no real surprise that I popped up with one of those miserable little posts…..

I’ve been blogging for a while now, and I’ve written an awful lot of posts where the most sensible start seemed to be “I don’t know where to start”. I really don’t think I’ve ever meant it more than I do now. So many things, so many feelings, so very many squillions of things I ought to say and not one single clue about how to get the ball rolling. In case you haven’t noticed I’ve also been blogging for long enough to know that when you don’t know where to start, writing about not knowing where to start is a perfectly acceptable way to get the ball rolling.

Now the ball is rolling I can’t help thinking that the best thing to do is cut a long story short, mainly because it’s a VERY long story with lots of ins and outs and bits in the middle but also because the whole story doesn’t belong to me and, when it comes to telling stories, I’m pretty careful to stick only to my own.

The only way to make the story short is to say that it really is ALL CHANGE here in WeeGee land and that’s making for confusing, if occasionally exciting times. Everything is up for grabs: where I live, where I work, what I do for a living and how I go about living this little life that I’ve carved out for myself. It feels like a tall order because I’d only really got back to the straight and narrow after what I now know, with the benefit of hindsight, was a pretty major attack of the mentals.

When I was unwell I felt that I was constantly on the edge of something – usually a cliff. I feel a bit like that now and if I’m honest it isn’t a feeling I much like. Right now I think I’m feeling a little scared because I’m going to have to face up to a lot of endings in the coming weeks. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will understand exactly where the fear is coming from. WeeGee doesn’t really do endings and I think I’m learning that that doesn’t change when WeeGee is well and medicated and not in the frame of mind where jumping out of windows seems like a good idea.

Earlier in the week I wrote that I didn’t really know which way was up at the moment and I think that was the only part of my post that made any sense. On the one hand I’m in a place in my life where opportunities are around every corner. On the other hand reaching out and taking them is going to mean saying goodbye here and there. Every time I think I’ve got that figured out in my head it all unravels again….

Anyway. I think that should just about do it for today. I’ll be back once I’ve had another one of my little thinks – they are in plentiful supply of late.

I leave you today with a song from my past. It’s one from my teenage years when I was angry and optimistic and cynical and hopeful all at the same time:

While we’re about it, we might as well have a sweet little acoustic version of the same song because it’s nice to mix things up a bit isn’t it?

Meanwhile in other news I have nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots, like JELLY TOTS,

WeeGee xoxox

Posted in About today

Not the post I thought

Posted on by WeeGee

I can’t quite believe the amount of time that’s passed between today and my last post. I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way – I’ve had so much to say. I just didn’t know how to say it. I think we might have arrived at the story of my life.

My head’s pretty jumbled up right now. I’m a little bit AWESOME insofar as that I’m full of good ideas. And what’s wrong with being full of good ideas? I sorta know the downside….. And I’m scared of myself. Of course I am. Awesome is exciting but I just want the steady life.

This isn’t the post I thought I’d write.

Okay.

I’m better than I’ve ever been. I’m not jumping out of any windows, or hurting myself, or trying to get away.

Truly though? I’m not okay. I’m not coping and life is tough and my brain won’t play.

But I don’t know what I wanted.

Hmmm

Posted in About today

Not ready yet

Posted on by WeeGee

You can usually get a pretty reliable sense of what’s going on in my head by looking at the music I’m listening to. Right now I’m on Radiohead, The Smiths, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith which is really just to say it isn’t exactly jolly o’clock here in WeeGee land. Here’s a song that sums it all up at the moment:

On the face of it, it all started last week but now I come to think of it I can see that this has been sneaking up on me for a long time because you can only turn the other cheek for so long. There’s no good to be found in trying to pretend.

I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is okay but everything is not okay. The worst of it is that I don’t know how to go about making everything okay again. Running away might help, but it isn’t exactly a sensible option….. Maybe things aren’t meant to be okay, not for me anyway.

I can’t tell you too much about what’s going on – it wouldn’t be fair on the people and the things that are involved. All I can really say is that I find myself in a situation, which circumstances aren’t helping. I know that if the circumstances went away the situation would be better which, by the way, seems to be what everyone wants. But nobody seems to want to help me with the circumstances and so we’re stuck with the situation. There is no help and there is no end.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a ‘problem’ What with one thing or another I’m always the difficult one, the one who does things the long way round, the one who doesn’t quite ‘fit’. I’m tired of being nothing other than a problem. It doesn’t seem to matter where I manage to get to – there’s always something waiting to pull the rug from under my feet. It’s usually my brain. Why isn’t my brain on my side?

I frighten myself when I feel like this mostly because I don’t want to feel like this. But what do you do when there’s a war in your brain, and you’re always the problem, and when there is no help and no end?

How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite…..

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

Absent minded

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve spent most of this week wandering aimlessly around my life as if it doesn’t belong to me. If I’m present it’s in body alone – my mind is elsewhere, if indeed, it’s anywhere at all. There was a time when my feelings were all red, and angry and violent. Now I feel a little bit grey and little bit blue – inky I guess. Some things happen and some things don’t happen and I look on feeling quite certain that it doesn’t matter one single little bit whether I’m here to watch them happening and not happening. Things will happen and things won’t happen whether I’m here or not. I’m not going to be jumping out of any windows any time soon but if someone offered me the opportunity to clean disappear  from my life I’d bite their hand off to take it…..

It all started with one of those throw away comments. You know the sort of comments that don’t mean anything unless you have the kind of brain that likes to pickle throw away comments so you can think about them for the rest of time? I’ve never had a shortage of pickled comments to beat myself up about although to be fair, I’d kind of hoped I’d reached a point in my life where I wasn’t going to add anymore. It’s laughable really. Sometimes I think that hope is the most important thing and then I go and have a little and I remember exactly what hope does for you.

There is nothing wrong at the moment – at least nothing a good nights sleep, plenty of clear fluids and some good food won’t sort out. On the one hand I know that, and on the other hand it doesn’t matter that nothing is actually wrong. Everything FEELS wrong and I can’t figure out how to make it FEEL any better. Feelings, eh? Who’d have them?

I think this might be the most pointless blog post I’ve ever written and I hope you will forgive it. I decided that if I could write about what’s going on I’d have to think about what’s going on. I guess I need to kick start one of my little thinks – so look at this as CPR for WeeGee’s broken brain. I’m feeling very broken but at least I’m still looking for ways to put it all back together again.

I’ll be back with an AWESOME post for you very soon. 

Love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee.

 

Posted in About today

An irritating post

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening gentlepeople of WordPress. How’s it all going? I trust that you’re all AWESOME and stuff like that? I thought it was about time I reported for duty. It’s been a week or so which seems to me to be a reasonable blogging interval for a busy WeeGee. Anyway – to cut a long story short by repeating myself – here I am, Reporting For Duty after a short blogging interval.

To be perfectly honest I still haven’t figured out what I’ve mostly been being since the last time I blogged. On the one hand I think I might have been irritable but on the other I think I might have been irritated. I’ve been thinking about it for most of the day and eventually it turned into one of those impossible, hurty-head, chicken and egg things so I decided to tell you that I’ve been both irritated and irritable and that I don’t exactly know which of the two came first. More to the point I don’t suppose it really matters to anyone apart from me……

Ever since I can remember things have had a tendency to get ‘under my skin’. For my part, I see this as an integral part of my personality but the headshrinker-type-people often cite it as one of my ‘difficulties’. Apparently thinking about things until they are under your skin in such a way that you are so irritated (or irritable) that you feel physically unwell is just one of the many Great Fun Things you have to learn to live with when you’re mental. And yes. I’m well aware I could have done a better job of constructing that last sentence but I’ve written it now and if you read it slowly enough I think you’ll get the gist anyway.

The list of things that have either made me irritable or irritated me in the past two weeks feels pretty much endless. It all started with a whole load of nonsense on WordPress, then there were the stupid celebrity scales which were (bafflingly) linked to the prevalence of eating disorders, then there was the sign that said “You would be pleased to know that our coffee is only made with organic milk” (which implied to me that it WASN’T), then there was my upstairs neighbour BEHAVING LIKE A DICK, and then there was this, which one of my ‘friends’ kindly shared with me on Facebook:

WTF

I don’t know about you but when one of my light bulbs stops working I don’t fix it I BUY A BLEEDING NEW ONE. And I really don’t think that’s much of an analogy for a relationship.

Harrumph!

Anyway – before I started getting irritated (or irritable) about all the things that have irritated me (or made me irritable) I had a serious point to make: I got genuinely bothered by two things (nastiness and irresponsible coverage of eating disorders) and then the bothersome things got under my skin, and into my head, and before I knew it EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD WAS DEEPLY IRRITATING. What I’m really trying to say is that I think I might be looking for the off switch again because if my brain is busy being irritated (or irritable) I get irritated (or irritable) ABOUT EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

And no – there isn’t really a moral to this particular story because I’m too irritated (or irritable) to think of one but I did wonder if you might like to hear a bit of Frank Turner because that most definitely WON’T be irritating:

Meanwhile in other news some of the things I was panicking and worrying about seem to have subsided. Of course, that may well be because I am preoccupied with the irritating stuff but the main things is that for now, I am feeling much better thank you very much. Nothing else to report today save that I have run out of things to report.

Love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee

Posted in About today

Days like these

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m doing my best to keep on top of things at the moment, I really am, but the things I’m trying to keep on top of seem to be getting on top of me instead and it’s all starting to feel a teeny tiny bit heavy for my liking. In my heart I guess I knew that there were always going to be days like these because the things that used to be there, well they’re still there and they like nothing better that swimming around in my brain to see if they can’t fuck things up for me again. Yeah – I’m sorry about the swearing but fuck, fuck and fuckity fuck, that’s just the way it had to be….

I’ll tell you what though – let’s not dwell on it any longer, eh? There’s a heap of other stuff I can be writing about and the fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck stuff is boring anyway, right? Here’s a little song called days like these to get us moving along. I chose this one because a) it’s awesome, b) it matches the title of my post and c) why the fuck not? By the way, after this song, I PROMISE not to swear again:

There we go – it’s all feeling a bit better already isn’t it? Who am I trying to kid?

If I set all the fuckity you know what stuff aside I’m left with this: Whatever happens to the WeeGee, and wherever the WeeGee gets to the WeeGee will be a THOUGHTFUL little creature. I’ve been thinking about my thoughts a lot recently which is actually quite a difficult thing to achieve because as soon as you start thinking about what you’re thinking about you clean forget what you’re thinking about and start thinking about something different instead. And if reading that made your brain hurt you should try thinking about what you’re thinking about for a little while and see if you can manage for your brain not to EXPLODE while you’re doing it.

Anyway. When it comes to WeeGee’s thoughts, I think I’ve identified two different kinds: spare brain thoughts and busy brain thoughts. They sound kinda like they’re going to be the opposite don’t they? The thing is, they actually seem to be boiling down to exactly the same thing and that thing is this:

There is simply not enough time in WeeGee land for WeeGee to think all the things she needs to think OR to do all the things she thinks she wants to. Or put another way WeeGee is still very easily OVERWHELMED by the WHOLE BLOODY* WORLD and everything in it and if the WHOLE BLOODY WORLD could just stop for long enough for WeeGee to put her thoughts in order that would be just FINE AND BLOODY DANDY thank you very much.

The headline is that I’m fine, and I’m safe, and I promise I’m not going to jump out any windows but I’m also still searching in vain for the off switch. Or maybe the pause switch, I guess that’s it really.

It’s all very well to be MINDFUL and to SELF SOOTHE and to BE KIND TO THE SELF. I can do all of that and I can do it all pretty damn good. But while I’m doing it all my brain is still in there going ‘oi, oi, I’M STILL FUCKING** HERE and if you’re not going to listen to me and THINK I’m going to make you sick so you have to stop and think even though migraines and stomach cramps and sleeplessness are the LAST THING ON EARTH you need right now’.

Still. Tomorrow is a new day, and my body is feeling well again, and it’s only a matter of time before my brain gets the message. And I always knew in my heart that there were going to be days like these. Upwards and onwards for WeeGee. She’s got elephants to eat…..

No meanwhile in other news today because that is all I’ve got. Nothing else to report save that I love you all lots. Like like lots and lots of Jelly Tots.

Jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

*I don’t consider that a swear word

**Okay you got me on that one. I couldn’t help it.

Posted in Moving forwards

A very particular kind of post

Posted on by WeeGee

This is a very particular kind of post. It’s an ‘it’s pretty late, and I’ve been faffing around all evening, and if I don’t get this post out now I don’t know if I’ll ever find the time’ kind of a post….. Like I said, a very particular kind of post.

I have to start with an explanation, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, I have to start with a clarification. I need to make it clear that when I mentioned the unpleasant stuff that’s been going on on WordPress in my last post I WAS NOT passing any judgements, or taking any sides, or professing that I knew better than anyone else. All I was really trying to say was that I’d been bothered by the whole thing – by what happened, by how it unfolded, and the by way it ended up.

All any of us can ever do is what we think is right and, for the most part, it’s perfectly okay for us to differ. I did receive one comment on the subject which I chose not to approve – but that choice wasn’t about censorship, or not allowing other views to come to the fore. I just didn’t feel that it was necessary to have the discussion, and I certainly didn’t feel my blog was the right place to do it.

And that REALLY is all I’ve got to say about the matter. This is me drawing my own little line under it:

_____________

Anyway – did you all notice that my blog has A BRAND NEW THEME? I kinda like it and I hope that you do too…..

Thoughts? Comments? Indifference?

It was always going to be a short one what with it being late, and it being a very particular kind of post and all. The headline is that WeeGee is a chipper WeeGee again and I’ve got some VERY EXCITING blogging news to share with you VERY SOON. It’s properly exciting. You’re going to love it. This, by the way, is me TRYING TO HYPE SOMETHING UP so you all get as excited as me……. Are you excited yet?!

Meanwhile in other news since last I mentioned minor TV obsessions I’ve done five seasons of 24 and fallen a little bit in love with Jack Bauer. Nothing else to report save that this is the end of the very particular kind of post.

Oh. I almost forgot to mention. It’s penguin awareness day today. So you know, be aware and stuff:

images

Love you lots and lots like jelly tots and tots,

WeeGee

Posted in Moving forwards

The infinite sadness of all things

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not entirely sure where the title of this post came from. In my head it was the title of a book, or a song, or maybe even a line from a book of a song. In the end, not even my expert googling skills could find its origin so it looks like my brain just went and made it up. Which isn’t entirely surprising when you come to think of it.

Since last I wrote I have mostly been having a mild case of the doomy gloomies. Nothing serious, you understand – just that heavy, hopeless, tiresome kind of feeling that pops along every so often to mess with your alien brain. In all fairness the doomy gloomies didn’t exactly come from nowhere. In fact, there were at least three separate contributory factors:

Contributory factor number one: HORMONES – there was a time when I thought I’d never be well enough to have the right amount of the right hormones swimming about at the right time. Now I am well enough I have only one thing to say. Dear hormones, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number two: MIGRAINES – I’ve suffered from chronic migraines for the largest part of my adult life and they are officially rubbish, so rubbish in fact that I have only one thing to say. Dear migraines, Kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF. Lots of love, WeeGee xox
Contributory factor number three: JANUARY – I totally, absolutely, and wholeheartedly hate January so much that I have only one thing to say. Dear January…… You get the picture, right?

The good news is that the doomy gloomies seem to be over and done with now and, for the most part, I’m back to my jolly little self. To be fair, it wasn’t all bad because I had the opportunity to sit with myself and reflect on where I’ve been and where I am and where I’m going to and it was a really good exercise in PERSPECTIVE and important stuff like that. It took me an awful long time to get to the point where it became safe to do nothing other than sit with myself so in the main I’m looking at it as a reason to be cheerful. It’s time to move on, and put one foot in front of the other, and keep on keeping on. That’s what I do, because that’s what I’m good at doing.

Now seems as good a time as any for a couple of reminders. First up there’s Blog for Mental Health 2014. I hope you can find a spare five minutes to find out more and, if you are so inclined take part. I’ve been reading ALL of the pledges, slowly but surely and they’re all pretty cool – sad, happy, brave, funny, inspirational and basically EVERY DIFFERENT KIND OF AWESOME. It’s one of those things that it really is worth taking part in. I also wanted to send out a gentle reminder that all kinds of exciting things take place on How do you eat an elephant’s Facebook page. At the moment I’m taking part in 100 Happy Days and posting my pictures up there. That there is another thing that’s worth getting involved with, by the way. So far I’m really enjoying it – its helping to keep me grounded, and focused on the here and now, and generally engaged with the world round about me….

Before I go I wanted to pass the briefest of comments on the recent ‘stir’ here in the land of blog. I won’t go into the details, because the details aren’t mine to share but the whole thing bothered and upset me in an awful lot of different ways. As far as I can see something pretty unpleasant happened and that was followed by vigilantism, and an ‘outing’ and a judge judy and executioner* kind of thing. Which in my book is pretty unpleasant too. I’m the first to admit that I’m one of those bleeding heart liberals but you know, for every story there is another side and when those sides can’t be reconciled we have due process and the rule of law and justice. The trouble with justice is that we all get it. Even the really nasty people……..

Ho hum….

Meanwhile in other news I’m sitting with Mr Awesome Number Five who is watching soccer ball. And Get This: there’s a player who goes by the name of Noone. What an unfortunate name. Nothing else to report today save that I’m already bored of the soccer ball but it did give me the opportunity to get this post out. Swings and roundabouts and all that.

Love you all like lots and lots of Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*You’ve seen Hot Fuzz, right?

Posted in Blog for mental health 2014

Blog for mental health 2014

Posted on by WeeGee

When it comes to WordPress we mental folks tend to move in pretty small circles so I’m guessing that most of my readers will already have come across Blog For Mental Health 2014? If not it’s a fantastic project and I’d encourage you all to get involved because, you know, lots of voices are an awful lot louder than one. You can get the lowdown on BFMH 2014 here…..

2014 is the first year I’ve taken part in BFMH. I’ve always been aware of it and I’ve always wanted to be involved but somehow, I never seemed to get round to it. Until now. Here’s my pledge. I’m going to put it in bold because it’s VERY important:

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

Blog for mental health

I don’t need to tell you how important mental health is, or how much I believe with all of my heart that we need to embrace it, understand it, talk about it and sometimes, even scream and shout about it* Every single person on the planet has mental health whether it’s good, bad, or a mixture of the two and as far as I’m concerned that makes it very, very important to all of us.

Last year I took a bit of a leap of faith and shared my blog with everyone I know on Facebook. I decided that writing an anonymous blog didn’t square up with some of the things I believed about acceptance and stamping out stigma and so I wrote:

“My name is Gail, but you can call me WeeGee if you prefer. I love my cat, and Frank Turner, and I’m obsessed with Breaking Bad. I like taking pictures of dudes in red trousers and I’m a budding masterchef contestant***. Once upon a time, I starved myself within an inch of my life but I’m better now. Sometimes the darkness creeps in and I get depressed. Sometimes I worry so much that I think I’m going to explode. I take medication to regulate my mood and occasionally I don’t sleep for days at a time. I’m a total geek when it comes to politics and grammar and if I ever grow up I’m going to live in a cottage in Oxfordshire and grow pink roses in the garden. I’m one of those mental people. It’s important that I say it, but it isn’t even nearly the most important thing about me.”

I guess that’s the point I want to make – sometimes my broken brain takes over and I do mad, bonkers, reckless stuff but last year I resolved that wherever my wonky little brain decided it was going to take me that I would never let the symptoms, or the diagnosis, or any of the crazy define me. Because WeeGee has a truck load more than that going for her.

I thought i’d leave you with a song, because it used to be traditional, and this band have long been my go to band when the doom gloomies strike:

Love you all lots, like a billion jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

*Note: if you’re planning on shouting and screaming about being mental you should proceed with caution. The normal people get a bit upset when mental people scream and shout in public……