A couple of bloggers save the day

I thought I was going to have to write another of those ‘woe is me, I hate myself and I want a pie’ posts today. But then along came two lovely bloggers with a couple of awards* for me. Now I can write an awards post instead. Yay!

Firstly, the very marvellous Dotty the Headbanger at Notes from a she hermit sent this one my way:

I received this award for being the first person to beat Dotty…. quite an honour really. The only thing is I’m not entirely convinced that I did actually beat Dotty – it was more a case of me being a smart arse about grammar**.

Anyway, if you’re reading this Dotty thank you from the bottom of my heart and I still feel rotten about making you sob (p.s. did you stop sobbing yet?)

Then the equally marvellous Casey, over at Tiptoeing around the abyss nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award.

1. Add the award to your blog:

2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and include a link to their blog – See above
3. Mention 7 random things about yourself – See below
4. List the rules – See this
5. Give the award to 15 or more bloggers – 15 is too many, no? I’m going to pick three because I like things to come in groups of three.

 
1. Brandic at Nothing in my noggin – because the blog is lovely, she is lovely, and she has an excellent collection of jokes
2. Hello Sailor – because the blog is lovely, she is lovely, and she has a habit of making me smile
3. Dotty the Headbanger at – Notes from a she hermit because the blog is lovely, she is lovely and because I’m trying to make amends for the smart arse incident (I know she won’t accept, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

 
For the 7 random things, I’m going to tell you seven things I hate. Because that’s the kind of mood I’m in.

1. I hate Jamie Oliver. I hate Jamie Oliver because he simultaneously claims never to have read a book in his life and to have a written a couple of them himself. One, if not both of those claims is a porky pie. Plus, someone who is proud of the fact they have never read a book is deserving of my hatred for that fact alone.

2. On a similar note, I hate people who have read Fifty Shades of Utter Crap*** and claim that it is brilliant. Here’s a quote from one of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. [Fifty Shades of Utter Crap is] the first book I have read since school – read it it’s BRILLIANT’ Thanks very much for the recommendation but, do you know what? I won’t read**** it and it isn’t BRILLIANT because it’s an Utter Pile of Crap and there’s nothing BRILLIANT about that. Here’s a recommendation for you – shut your face thank-you please.

3. I hate the Man Who Knows/The Biggest Idiot In The World Ever. If you want to know why, I refer you to his monikers, particularly the latter on.

4. I hate cold callers who disturb me in my own home when I’m having a nice little maddy all to myself and then proceed to say my name wrong. My surname is Laughlan, which, just in case you don’t know is Scottish and is pronounced Lochhhhhlan (as if you’re gently clearing your throat). It is not pronounced in any of the following ways:

• Lafflan: people who say Lafflan get ‘It’s Lochhhhhlan actualy’ in my best snooty voice
• Lahooolan: people who say Lahooolan are told that ‘there is no one here by that name’ in my best snooty voice
• Maclochhhlan: these people are asked ‘where the M came from and told to learn to read’ in my best snooty voice

Finally there was the person who said ‘Can I speak to Miss Lllll (baffled pause).. How do you say your name’? She got told to eff off and I didn’t bother being snooty about it. Blinkin’ cheek.

5. I hate BT because it took them six months to refund £20 credit on my bill when I moved house. I hate them even more because, despite being told they were speaking to Miss Laughlan they insisted on calling me Mrs ‘the name of my ex boyfriend who had broken my heart’ when I was trying to get the money back. I hate them still more because I got sick of speaking to ‘David’ ‘Bob’ and ‘Ken’ in India – not because they werein India per se, but because they told me they were called David/Bob/Ken which they clearly weren’t owing to the fact they were in India.

Here is an excerpt from a conversation I had with David/Bob/Ken during those dark days of trying to get my money back:

Me: I just need you to issue a cheque to me at my new address
BT: I can’t do that without the authorisation of Mr {Insert name of ex boyfriend who broke my heart}. I just need to speak to him to confirm everything.
Me: Okay (silence)
BT: Okay. Am I speaking to Mr {Insert name of ex boyfriend who broke my heart}?
Me: (clearly feminine voice) Yes
BT: (thoughtful pause) Are you sure?

Arseholes.

6. I hate people who use ‘literally’ incorrectly. Here’s an example: it’s literally raining cats and dogs’. No. It isn’t ‘literally’ raining cats and dogs. If it was ‘literally’ raining cats and dogs you’d probably be speaking to the local newspaper, not me. I also hate people who use ‘ironically’ incorrectly – here’s the thing, there is nothing ironic about the bus arriving just as you get to the bus stop. That’s just lucky, okay? By the way, in my view, anyone who says ironical instead of ironic should be poked in the eye.

7. Finally I hate moths and mushrooms***** I hate moths because they flap around in your face plotting to murder you and because they scare the absolute shit out of me for the aforementioned reasons. Regular readers will be familiar with my thoughts on mushrooms. If it’s any consolation I complain about mushrooms in real life just as much as I do on my blog, which at least means I’m consistent.

The end.

Much love to counter all the hatred, Wee Gee.

*Of course I’m accepting the awards because I’m a bit vain like that
**Because I have a habit of being a smart arse about grammar. I know it’s unbecoming but it’s a compulsion – I really can’t help it, even though I’m not always perfect about it myself.
***I think the real title is Fifty Shades of Grey
****I don’t have to read it to know it’s an Utter Pile of Crap because I saw Jerry talking about it on Newsnight and that is proof enough for me.
*****Two things, I know, but in my mind they are inseparable when it comes to the list of things Wee Gee hates.