Posted in Welcome to my world

I am disappeared

Before anybody points it out, I know that the title of this post is something of a grammatical car-crash. In my defence I didn’t make it up – it’s the title of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently. If you have any problems with the grammar, please take them up with Frank Turner (but do be aware that I am a little bit in love with him and will certainly fight to the death to defend his honour…..)

One of my friends pointed out that I’ve ‘gone dark’ over the past week or so. I think he might be right because as far as everything is concerned at the moment, I’d be equally happy with taking it or leaving it. Nothing seems to matter.

I know I’m in a bad place because the following three things have taken place over the past couple of days:

  • I almost left the house wearing underwear that didn’t match. That’s a big deal, not because of being run over by buses, but because I’m a firm believer that if things are capable of matching they should. Matching underwear is absolutely critical to my sense of self
  • I actually left the house with chipped nail varnish. That’s an even bigger deal because I never, ever do that. I’ve had painted nails every day of my life since 1995 and my nails are always immaculate when I’m in public. Even when I’m in full on nutter mode.
  • Mr Friendly offered a chat to cheer me up and I said no. This is unheard of for so many long and complicated reasons that I won’t go into them here, but If I can’t even be bothered to speak to him there isn’t much hope left.

Anyway. The good thing is that I’m not in hiding. The bad news is that I just don’t feel like talking to anybody or doing anything. There’s nothing in my head and I’m really struggling to find anything that I still care about – what’s the point of talking to people when there’s nothing in your head and you can’t find anything to care about? It doesn’t really leave you with a lot to say.

Throughout the ups and downs of being Wee Gee there’s always been something for me to hold on to – books, politics, justice, music, Mr Friendly – it has always seemed to me that when I can’t care about myself I can at least find things in the external world to care about. Now it just feels like everything has finally gone. It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly and surely things departed until I wound up here trying to figure out what fills the hole now everything has disappeared.

In some ways, I feel like this is what I’ve been working towards my whole life. Other people get married and have kids; Wee Gee makes everything so small that the future is little more than a robotic march through the motions for no other reason than that’s what being alive is all about: a series of pointless and unnecessary motions that  you put yourself through day in, day out. Boo to everything!

I think this post might be what you call navel gazing; it’s certainly self-indulgent, I know that. I’ve been trying to find a way to say all of this in a light hearted, amusing way, but there isn’t anything funny about it.

It’s either that, or my sense of humour has left the building along with everything else. Oh bums.

Wee (hoping that tomorrow is better) Gee xx

PS – I have at least a million blogs to catch up with and I do care about that, even though I think I don’t so I’ll try and get to them tonight.


27 thoughts on “I am disappeared

  1. There’s nothing self-indulgent about it, hon, it’s where many of our heads end up at some point or another, sometimes with scary results. But it has only been a week, you said? So it could drop off. Definitely something to discuss with your clinician, this could easily have been the prequel to my 1st suicide post in April. Well, except for the nails & underpants. You would slap my hands, with the rust Chanel polish covering at this point 60% of my nails surface. Perish the thought! And hopefully all of your “WTF is the point” thoughts will perish shortly too. Sending support & hugs, J

    1. I’ll pretend I don’t know about your nails 🙂

      Thanks so much for the support (and hugs) – means a great big lot to me. WeeGee xx

  2. I always have blogs to catch up on . . . it’s overwhelming. No offense is ever intended if I read someone’s posts a few days after they’ve been put up.

    And thanks for introducing me to the nice music. 😉

  3. Yes. I blinked a few months ago and suddenly my excitement and will just disappeared. I spend my days pretty much alone except for one friend who I go to see when it doesn’t feel so much like socialising is the same as pulling my eyes out. I don’t think your sense of humour has left the building… it’s just taking a break the same as you are. Everyone needs breaks. But all this will get better and I hope that you feel better real soon. take care x

      1. Yeah I guess it is. Though I think it is just what has to happen sometimes so that we can restrengthen and come back with some new energy to move forwards. xx

  4. I’m very much in love with Frank Turner. Do your nails fantastically and put on underwear that match so much that it hurts. I hope you feel better really soon x

  5. I’m glad I made you laugh. Sometimes ‘oh bums’ is the only thing for it! Let’s cross our fingers that we haven’t found the point yet, but if you find it first, promise to let me know?

  6. “Full on nutter mode” and “Oh bums” made me LOL so you can’t have lost your humour that much!
    I constantly feel like I’m going through the motions too. There kind of isn’t a point, but I think we should carry on, just incase there is a point and we haven’t found it yet….. xox

  7. Hi weegee come talk to me i can set the bad things free! Im not only a really bad poet im also someone who takes great interest in your blog and really enjoy reading it – in fact i been refreshing the reader tab hoping to see your latest post LOL

    I can tell you a really embarrassing story about a date night if you want its guaranteed to make you laugh 🙂

    1. Aww thanks chick! Tell you what… I’d be prepared to bet that my last date out embarrasses yours! Oh and I’m an equally bad poet. Mine don’t evn rhyme 😛

      1. did yours involve shatting yourself as the food from the restaurant made you violently ill? 🙂

  8. 😦 Commiseration. The only way I know to get out of a Bad Place is to keep walking to a better place, which is hard work. Very rarely you can hover and let the planet rotate beneath until a good place comes round – may it happen for you, one way or the other.

  9. My heart goes out to you. I know the place you’re in, and I’m just so sorry. This might sound overly sentimental, and if so I do apologize, but I’ve gotten to care very much about you over the last little while I’ve been reading your blog, and I wish so much I could change the place you’re in and make it better. I know that I can’t, but at least I can wish, right?

    Oh so I know you like jokes, and even though it’s a long shot at helping, I figured I’d at least give it a try.

    ——-I once had a friend Martha who was bitten by a rattlesnake. If she’d known the difference between antidote and anecdote, she’d be alive today.——-

    Lol that one makes me laugh.

    Thinking of you and here if you need it. xxhugsxx

    1. Oh sweetheart! Thank you so much for your wish, for caring, for the hugs, and most of all the joke (which did make me smile). You are a super star xx

          1. They do. But somehow, for me at least, knowledge that it gets better and that it doesn’t last doesn’t seem to help much when I’m in it. Its a dark place and it tries to take away all motivation and enjoyment and even hope for the times when it will be better. But however you are feeling, and whatever amount of hope you may or may not have, I’m holding onto hope for you. And I’m hoping the motivation and enjoyment that have been taking away come back real soon. You deserve at least that much.

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