Before anybody points it out, I know that the title of this post is something of a grammatical car-crash. In my defence I didn’t make it up – it’s the title of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently. If you have any problems with the grammar, please take them up with Frank Turner (but do be aware that I am a little bit in love with him and will certainly fight to the death to defend his honour…..)
One of my friends pointed out that I’ve ‘gone dark’ over the past week or so. I think he might be right because as far as everything is concerned at the moment, I’d be equally happy with taking it or leaving it. Nothing seems to matter.
I know I’m in a bad place because the following three things have taken place over the past couple of days:
- I almost left the house wearing underwear that didn’t match. That’s a big deal, not because of being run over by buses, but because I’m a firm believer that if things are capable of matching they should. Matching underwear is absolutely critical to my sense of self
- I actually left the house with chipped nail varnish. That’s an even bigger deal because I never, ever do that. I’ve had painted nails every day of my life since 1995 and my nails are always immaculate when I’m in public. Even when I’m in full on nutter mode.
- Mr Friendly offered a chat to cheer me up and I said no. This is unheard of for so many long and complicated reasons that I won’t go into them here, but If I can’t even be bothered to speak to him there isn’t much hope left.
Anyway. The good thing is that I’m not in hiding. The bad news is that I just don’t feel like talking to anybody or doing anything. There’s nothing in my head and I’m really struggling to find anything that I still care about – what’s the point of talking to people when there’s nothing in your head and you can’t find anything to care about? It doesn’t really leave you with a lot to say.
Throughout the ups and downs of being Wee Gee there’s always been something for me to hold on to – books, politics, justice, music, Mr Friendly – it has always seemed to me that when I can’t care about myself I can at least find things in the external world to care about. Now it just feels like everything has finally gone. It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly and surely things departed until I wound up here trying to figure out what fills the hole now everything has disappeared.
In some ways, I feel like this is what I’ve been working towards my whole life. Other people get married and have kids; Wee Gee makes everything so small that the future is little more than a robotic march through the motions for no other reason than that’s what being alive is all about: a series of pointless and unnecessary motions that you put yourself through day in, day out. Boo to everything!
I think this post might be what you call navel gazing; it’s certainly self-indulgent, I know that. I’ve been trying to find a way to say all of this in a light hearted, amusing way, but there isn’t anything funny about it.
It’s either that, or my sense of humour has left the building along with everything else. Oh bums.
Wee (hoping that tomorrow is better) Gee xx
PS – I have at least a million blogs to catch up with and I do care about that, even though I think I don’t so I’ll try and get to them tonight.