Category: About today

Posted in About today

Not the post I thought

Posted on by WeeGee

I can’t quite believe the amount of time that’s passed between today and my last post. I didn’t mean for it to turn out this way – I’ve had so much to say. I just didn’t know how to say it. I think we might have arrived at the story of my life.

My head’s pretty jumbled up right now. I’m a little bit AWESOME insofar as that I’m full of good ideas. And what’s wrong with being full of good ideas? I sorta know the downside….. And I’m scared of myself. Of course I am. Awesome is exciting but I just want the steady life.

This isn’t the post I thought I’d write.

Okay.

I’m better than I’ve ever been. I’m not jumping out of any windows, or hurting myself, or trying to get away.

Truly though? I’m not okay. I’m not coping and life is tough and my brain won’t play.

But I don’t know what I wanted.

Hmmm

Posted in About today

Not ready yet

Posted on by WeeGee

You can usually get a pretty reliable sense of what’s going on in my head by looking at the music I’m listening to. Right now I’m on Radiohead, The Smiths, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith which is really just to say it isn’t exactly jolly o’clock here in WeeGee land. Here’s a song that sums it all up at the moment:

On the face of it, it all started last week but now I come to think of it I can see that this has been sneaking up on me for a long time because you can only turn the other cheek for so long. There’s no good to be found in trying to pretend.

I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is okay but everything is not okay. The worst of it is that I don’t know how to go about making everything okay again. Running away might help, but it isn’t exactly a sensible option….. Maybe things aren’t meant to be okay, not for me anyway.

I can’t tell you too much about what’s going on – it wouldn’t be fair on the people and the things that are involved. All I can really say is that I find myself in a situation, which circumstances aren’t helping. I know that if the circumstances went away the situation would be better which, by the way, seems to be what everyone wants. But nobody seems to want to help me with the circumstances and so we’re stuck with the situation. There is no help and there is no end.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a ‘problem’ What with one thing or another I’m always the difficult one, the one who does things the long way round, the one who doesn’t quite ‘fit’. I’m tired of being nothing other than a problem. It doesn’t seem to matter where I manage to get to – there’s always something waiting to pull the rug from under my feet. It’s usually my brain. Why isn’t my brain on my side?

I frighten myself when I feel like this mostly because I don’t want to feel like this. But what do you do when there’s a war in your brain, and you’re always the problem, and when there is no help and no end?

How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite…..

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

Absent minded

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve spent most of this week wandering aimlessly around my life as if it doesn’t belong to me. If I’m present it’s in body alone – my mind is elsewhere, if indeed, it’s anywhere at all. There was a time when my feelings were all red, and angry and violent. Now I feel a little bit grey and little bit blue – inky I guess. Some things happen and some things don’t happen and I look on feeling quite certain that it doesn’t matter one single little bit whether I’m here to watch them happening and not happening. Things will happen and things won’t happen whether I’m here or not. I’m not going to be jumping out of any windows any time soon but if someone offered me the opportunity to clean disappear  from my life I’d bite their hand off to take it…..

It all started with one of those throw away comments. You know the sort of comments that don’t mean anything unless you have the kind of brain that likes to pickle throw away comments so you can think about them for the rest of time? I’ve never had a shortage of pickled comments to beat myself up about although to be fair, I’d kind of hoped I’d reached a point in my life where I wasn’t going to add anymore. It’s laughable really. Sometimes I think that hope is the most important thing and then I go and have a little and I remember exactly what hope does for you.

There is nothing wrong at the moment – at least nothing a good nights sleep, plenty of clear fluids and some good food won’t sort out. On the one hand I know that, and on the other hand it doesn’t matter that nothing is actually wrong. Everything FEELS wrong and I can’t figure out how to make it FEEL any better. Feelings, eh? Who’d have them?

I think this might be the most pointless blog post I’ve ever written and I hope you will forgive it. I decided that if I could write about what’s going on I’d have to think about what’s going on. I guess I need to kick start one of my little thinks – so look at this as CPR for WeeGee’s broken brain. I’m feeling very broken but at least I’m still looking for ways to put it all back together again.

I’ll be back with an AWESOME post for you very soon. 

Love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee.

 

Posted in About today

An irritating post

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening gentlepeople of WordPress. How’s it all going? I trust that you’re all AWESOME and stuff like that? I thought it was about time I reported for duty. It’s been a week or so which seems to me to be a reasonable blogging interval for a busy WeeGee. Anyway – to cut a long story short by repeating myself – here I am, Reporting For Duty after a short blogging interval.

To be perfectly honest I still haven’t figured out what I’ve mostly been being since the last time I blogged. On the one hand I think I might have been irritable but on the other I think I might have been irritated. I’ve been thinking about it for most of the day and eventually it turned into one of those impossible, hurty-head, chicken and egg things so I decided to tell you that I’ve been both irritated and irritable and that I don’t exactly know which of the two came first. More to the point I don’t suppose it really matters to anyone apart from me……

Ever since I can remember things have had a tendency to get ‘under my skin’. For my part, I see this as an integral part of my personality but the headshrinker-type-people often cite it as one of my ‘difficulties’. Apparently thinking about things until they are under your skin in such a way that you are so irritated (or irritable) that you feel physically unwell is just one of the many Great Fun Things you have to learn to live with when you’re mental. And yes. I’m well aware I could have done a better job of constructing that last sentence but I’ve written it now and if you read it slowly enough I think you’ll get the gist anyway.

The list of things that have either made me irritable or irritated me in the past two weeks feels pretty much endless. It all started with a whole load of nonsense on WordPress, then there were the stupid celebrity scales which were (bafflingly) linked to the prevalence of eating disorders, then there was the sign that said “You would be pleased to know that our coffee is only made with organic milk” (which implied to me that it WASN’T), then there was my upstairs neighbour BEHAVING LIKE A DICK, and then there was this, which one of my ‘friends’ kindly shared with me on Facebook:

WTF

I don’t know about you but when one of my light bulbs stops working I don’t fix it I BUY A BLEEDING NEW ONE. And I really don’t think that’s much of an analogy for a relationship.

Harrumph!

Anyway – before I started getting irritated (or irritable) about all the things that have irritated me (or made me irritable) I had a serious point to make: I got genuinely bothered by two things (nastiness and irresponsible coverage of eating disorders) and then the bothersome things got under my skin, and into my head, and before I knew it EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD WAS DEEPLY IRRITATING. What I’m really trying to say is that I think I might be looking for the off switch again because if my brain is busy being irritated (or irritable) I get irritated (or irritable) ABOUT EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

And no – there isn’t really a moral to this particular story because I’m too irritated (or irritable) to think of one but I did wonder if you might like to hear a bit of Frank Turner because that most definitely WON’T be irritating:

Meanwhile in other news some of the things I was panicking and worrying about seem to have subsided. Of course, that may well be because I am preoccupied with the irritating stuff but the main things is that for now, I am feeling much better thank you very much. Nothing else to report today save that I have run out of things to report.

Love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee

Posted in About today

Days like these

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m doing my best to keep on top of things at the moment, I really am, but the things I’m trying to keep on top of seem to be getting on top of me instead and it’s all starting to feel a teeny tiny bit heavy for my liking. In my heart I guess I knew that there were always going to be days like these because the things that used to be there, well they’re still there and they like nothing better that swimming around in my brain to see if they can’t fuck things up for me again. Yeah – I’m sorry about the swearing but fuck, fuck and fuckity fuck, that’s just the way it had to be….

I’ll tell you what though – let’s not dwell on it any longer, eh? There’s a heap of other stuff I can be writing about and the fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck stuff is boring anyway, right? Here’s a little song called days like these to get us moving along. I chose this one because a) it’s awesome, b) it matches the title of my post and c) why the fuck not? By the way, after this song, I PROMISE not to swear again:

There we go – it’s all feeling a bit better already isn’t it? Who am I trying to kid?

If I set all the fuckity you know what stuff aside I’m left with this: Whatever happens to the WeeGee, and wherever the WeeGee gets to the WeeGee will be a THOUGHTFUL little creature. I’ve been thinking about my thoughts a lot recently which is actually quite a difficult thing to achieve because as soon as you start thinking about what you’re thinking about you clean forget what you’re thinking about and start thinking about something different instead. And if reading that made your brain hurt you should try thinking about what you’re thinking about for a little while and see if you can manage for your brain not to EXPLODE while you’re doing it.

Anyway. When it comes to WeeGee’s thoughts, I think I’ve identified two different kinds: spare brain thoughts and busy brain thoughts. They sound kinda like they’re going to be the opposite don’t they? The thing is, they actually seem to be boiling down to exactly the same thing and that thing is this:

There is simply not enough time in WeeGee land for WeeGee to think all the things she needs to think OR to do all the things she thinks she wants to. Or put another way WeeGee is still very easily OVERWHELMED by the WHOLE BLOODY* WORLD and everything in it and if the WHOLE BLOODY WORLD could just stop for long enough for WeeGee to put her thoughts in order that would be just FINE AND BLOODY DANDY thank you very much.

The headline is that I’m fine, and I’m safe, and I promise I’m not going to jump out any windows but I’m also still searching in vain for the off switch. Or maybe the pause switch, I guess that’s it really.

It’s all very well to be MINDFUL and to SELF SOOTHE and to BE KIND TO THE SELF. I can do all of that and I can do it all pretty damn good. But while I’m doing it all my brain is still in there going ‘oi, oi, I’M STILL FUCKING** HERE and if you’re not going to listen to me and THINK I’m going to make you sick so you have to stop and think even though migraines and stomach cramps and sleeplessness are the LAST THING ON EARTH you need right now’.

Still. Tomorrow is a new day, and my body is feeling well again, and it’s only a matter of time before my brain gets the message. And I always knew in my heart that there were going to be days like these. Upwards and onwards for WeeGee. She’s got elephants to eat…..

No meanwhile in other news today because that is all I’ve got. Nothing else to report save that I love you all lots. Like like lots and lots of Jelly Tots.

Jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

*I don’t consider that a swear word

**Okay you got me on that one. I couldn’t help it.

Posted in About today

Greetings of the season

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening lovely people. I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet and I’m sorry this one is so short but I didn’t feel I could let the occasion past without saying:

1. Thank you for reading my blog
2. Thank you for being so awesome
3. I love you all lots, like jelly tots.

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Sending Christmas hugs and all the very best of the season.

Lots of love,

WeeGee xoxo

PS. I’ll see you all in the new year. I’ve got LOTS to tell you about and I’ve made a solemn resolution to find my way back to WordPress in 2014.

Posted in About today, Recovery?

An update (because I couldn’t think of a better title)

Posted on by WeeGee

As always seems to be the case these days it’s been a while since last I blogged. I must confess that it’s been an awful lot longer since last I read any blogs. I think I might have gone and turned into a bad blogger, but then again and in my defence, there’s been an awful lot going on here in WeeGee land…….

The last time I popped up the crazy was leaking out of my ears. To be honest, I had a serious case of The Dreaded Jitters and there was so much noise in my head that the only thing I could think of to do was boo fucking hoo. I’m not jittery anymore and I’m bored with the whole boo fucking hoo thing, so I guess I should do what we mental blogging people tend to refer to as a ‘proper’ update.

So. How did I get to where a) I was and b) where I am now? That’s what you’re going to need to know if I’m going to do a ‘proper’ update, isn’t it?

I suppose I got to where I was because I took my eye off the proverbial* ball and let myself get a bit overwhelmed. Mostly, I think, I was overwhelmed with work stuff which was a pretty overwhelming thing to happen given that work has always been a constant, and often a means of keeping myself on the straight and narrow.

As to how I got back to here? Well I did my very best to remember that if you don’t like where you are there are two things you can do: 1. Change where you are or 2. Change the way you feel about where you are. Of course remembering wasn’t the hardest part, but I’ll spare you the ins and outs of the therapy – most of you know that for yourselves. The headline is that I’m putting a lot of time and effort into managing my feelings right now and (can we all please touch some wood) things are starting to come back together again.

It strikes me that now, when I have one of my little wobbles, I seem to get back to where I started with another tool in my kit bag. Sometimes it’s a dark journey, but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my darkest days. Being mental is, for the most part, a pretty bum deal. But it isn’t all bad because recovery brings some special things with it – insight, and self awareness, and the understanding that there really isn’t anything your brain can chuck at you that you can’t survive.

I think that’s all I can write for now. I had a wobble, I’m less wobbly now, and I’ve remembered that I’m an active participant in the things that happen to me and this thing we call living.

Meanwhile in other news Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a little bit more AWESOME every day and I have a new minor TV obsession in Walking Dead. Nothing else to report save that it IS NOT A GOOD IDEA to chop chillies then pick your nose. Quite aside from the obvious hygiene implications it doesn’t half sting…..

When I’m all better and proper strong I’ll get back to reading your blogs. In the meantime I hope you’re doing well and I love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

*is the ball proverbial? I’m not convinced but it sounded right….

Posted in About today

World Mental Health Day (and some sleep deprivation delirium for good measure)

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to say, I guess, is that it’s pretty late here in WeeGee land. The second thing to say is that I apologise in advance for any typos, grammatical errors, or nonsensical nonsense. It’s just that I’m currently functioning* on two hours sleep and my typing, grammar, and sensible skills aren’t at their sharpest…..

It’s alright though, no need to worry because I’m not going to bore you with the boring story of why WeeGee isn’t sleeping at the moment . I’m not even going to fill you on the hilarious (and disastrous) hilarity that befalls a WeeGee when she is experiencing sleep deprivation delirium. Don’t get me wrong, if today was any other day that’s probably exactly what you’d get but today is World Mental Health Day, so I’m going to make some noise about that instead. What else is a mental, sleep deprived girl to do?

This year, the focus of World Mental Health day is on older people – in particular the mental health of the over 55s, because apparently, the statistics would have it that the over 55s are considerably ‘happier’ than 24-54 year olds. I guess that in itself is interesting enough to cue one of my little thinks** but what really struck me about this year’s theme is that the focus is on actual ‘healthy’ mental health.

A great many of the narratives on mental health are about what happens when things go wrong – I for one have managed to fill a whole blog with my own experiences of living with mental health difficulties. The tendency, I think, is to relate the term ‘mental health’ with poor mental health and this (or so it seems to me) is one of the things that marks sufferers out as ‘different’ in some way.

I’m blogging today to state the bleedin’ obvious, as it were, and to point out that EACH AND EVERY ONE of us has mental health. For some of us it’s good, and for some of us it’s not so good but we very definitely have it in common. I can’t help thinking, when you look at it that way, that if only we would talk to one another we’d learn an awful lot, and end up all the richer for it whichever side of the divide we tend to sit.

Right now, I’m not too sure which side of the line I’m sitting, but I’ve come to an understanding with myself: it really doesn’t matter. When I was depressed I thought that everyone who wasn’t depressed was happy. Now I’m not depressed I realise that was the depression doing my thinking. Now I’m not depressed I just sort of am. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m million different kinds of feelings (occasionally all at the same time) I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve had to learn a lot about not being depressed and I’ve mostly learned that by paying attention to the people in my life who were taking care of their mental health.

I’m much better at taking care of my mental health than I used to be. I know that I need to keep myself fed, and watered and rested. I know that I need to make time to exercise, and get fresh air, and laugh at myself when I get obsessive about whatever my latest minor obsession is*** I need to read books, and take photographs and spend time with the people who matter to me. Most of all I know that sometimes I need to be brave enough to sit with myself and feel the feelings. It took me a long time to realise that those were the sort of things that other people had been doing all along – taking care of their mental health without even realising it.

I’m not over 55 and I wouldn’t describe myself as happy**** so I’m not too sure what I can contribute to spreading the word about that. What I can say is that it’s World Mental Health Day. And mental health, whether it’s good or bad, is something we should all keep talking about.

A serious one from me today. But even the WeeGee is serious once in a while. But then again, look at this photo it proper made me laugh:

20131010-234406.jpg
Love you lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

Ps. I’ve got a new blogging and blog reading plan so hopefully I’m back in the game after my recent spell of ‘I don’t know what to say/I’ve run out of time’

*I use the word in the loosest possible fashion
** If nothing else I thought hey, that’s a reason to be cheerful because I’m not 55 yet so it can only get better
*** currently a fairly even mix of Breaking Bad, collecting conkers***** and pickled onions
****Primarily because I’m functioning on two hours sleep and I’m really rather ANXIOUS
*****You may know them as horse chestnuts.

Posted in About today

Ever, ever, ever…

Posted on by WeeGee

Guess what I’ve been doing? I’ve been having one of my little thinks. I’ve mostly been thinking about the past although the future has been creeping in every so often. Above all else I’ve been thinking that the past and the future have an awful lot in common insofar as that neither of them really deserve the attention that goes into one of my little thinks. Is that what you call wisdom?

Anyhow….. Things are rolling along quite nicely here in WeeGee land thanks very much. Of course there had to be a big ‘boo-hoo, it’s all a bit fucked up and stuff’ moment but I’m coming to learn that those moments aren’t as bad as all that because those are the moments that happen so that you can start all over again. Sometimes it feels like it’s all going to fall apart but then you realise that you aren’t going to fall apart because the people around you aren’t going to let you. Tell you what – I’m a lucky girl. If I only need one reason to be cheerful, that there is it….

I’ve been staying with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five for the last few days. I guess I needed time out, and a break from the usual routine, and – okay, I admit it – I needed someone to care. And that’s exactly what I got. I got space, and peace, and quiet, and the company of the most perfect guy who isn’t going to try to fix me but who will have the patience to stick around while I fix myself. Told you. I’m a lucky girl.

Staying with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five presented an unusual opportunity in that for the first time in about ten years I had the chance to weigh myself. I’ve been ‘recovered’ for the best part of fifteen years but in that whole time I’ve never known what my weight was. All I knew was that it was okay. Scales were scary. Numbers were scary. The whole thing was scary, scary, scary. Even though I new I was okay it was still scary. Knowing the numbers, and seeing the numbers was something that I was told, and that I thought I couldn’t do. And then today I stepped on the scales I’ve been walking past every day. And it made my day. It turns out that a recovering anorexic can find her way to the holy grail that is ‘intuitive’ eating and can come to see that weighing more than she ever weighed in her life can be the BEST THING IN THE WORLD. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. 

So yeah. It’s all good. Apart from my birthday. I don’t like birthdays, and my last one was awful. I hope this one will be a bit better. Oh and bums. There’s still the 19th September to deal with. Why must I have a brain? Why must I remember?

Love you all lots xoxoxo