Category: About today

Posted in About today

Fix me

Posted on by WeeGee

Just so you know this isn’t going to be a particularly cheery one. Now you know….

You know how I love Frank Turner? Well here’s a Frank Turner song to get proceedings underway:

I love this song so very much for lots of different reasons, not least because I am of the delusional belief it’s actually about me. If only it was possible to ‘take away the part that hurts and let the rest remain’ things would be just fine and dandy for me. I’m not all rubbish, just a little bit rubbish. If I could just cut out the rubbish then I wouldn’t be rubbish at all. So yeah, fix me please.

I’ve been in hiding. It didn’t really occur to me that I was doing it until Mr Friendly pointed it out to me, mostly I think because it’s been a different kind of hiding. But I’ve been withdrawing from people, and things and from my blog – it all adds up to hiding, and I’m hiding because I simply can’t cope. Everything is futile and empty and there isn’t a point – to anything or to any of it. The only point is that you keep going even thought there isn’t a point. I can’t believe that I’m the only person who wonders why you keep on doing pointless things even though they’re pointless and there isn’t a point

I know what I need to do. I’ve had a broken brain for a very long time and, if nothing else, I know the drill. I don’t know why I’m not doing what I know I need to do. Maybe it’s that self sabotage button coming into play again? Or maybe it doesn’t matter whether I do what I need to do or not because it won’t change the fact that it’s pointless? I don’t suppose it matters because either way, I’m not going to do it, whatever it is. I know that much.

When I was a tiny little thing, I opened the back door of my parents’ house and a giant black bird fell out of the sky right before my very eyes and landed on the lid of the wheelie bin – stone dead. It should have been horrifying and maybe it was, in a way. But it also made a little bit of sense to me that a bird could just fall out of the sky like that, because even then I felt like I was right at the edge of something, ready to fall off.

Birds die and fall out of the sky; WeeGee lets go and falls off the edge of the world.

I told you it wasn’t going to be a cheery one, but hey – at least I’m not in hiding from my blog anymore…..

Lots of love from a tired but clinging on WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Just the way I’m feeling

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m a big fan of words, and I don’t usually believe all that stuff about ‘pictures being worth a thousand words’ but I’m making an exception today because all my words are jumbled up with my thoughts and I can’t say it better than this:

Love, WeeGee xxx

Posted in About today

And now for something completely different

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay, so you know I write a blog about being a bit mental? Well this one is all a bit odd, because this post is about not being particularly mental…. well, at least for a little while.

The normal state of affairs in the WeeGee household of a work day morning goes something like this: alarm; snooze (repeat indefinitely until panic about being late kicks in); moment of okay; rubbish nonsense and mental stuff rears its head and washes over self; mental battle with self commences; switch on radio* and say “Good Morning Shaun”; much chaos, tripping over a cat who claims to be STARVING and running late ensues; morning over; day continues.

I’m used to it. It’s a routine if nothing else. But this morning was slightly different.

My alarm went off, but instead of hitting snooze I just got myself up. I switched on the radio and said “Good Morning Shaun” and went about what is normally chaos in a not particularly chaotic way (of course, the cat still claimed to be STARVING).

So there I was listening to the radio wondering if I could wear both a denim jacket and denim shoes in the same ensemble with this song in the background:

Which was just fine by me.

And then it occurred to me that I’d been awake for more than an hour and it hadn’t occurred to me that I was mental …. The only difficulty is that you can’t un-occur something once it has occurred. But it was nice whilst it lasted.

(By the way, the answer to the denim shoes, denim jacket conundrum is that it looks okay but leaves you feeling like you are trying to ‘do a trendy vicar’ by wearing something conservative whilst chucking as much denim as you have at it as if to prove that you are a cool kid really underneath it all.)

*The Radio Six Music Breakfast Show is the only breakfast show worth listening to as far as I’m concerned.

Posted in About today

A proper post

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m sorry that I haven’t written a proper post for a while. It hasn’t been for the want of trying, it’s just that every time I sat down to write everything went and fell out my head, or at least everything that was left after flat and empty had taken up the ridiculous amount of space they seem to require at the moment.

It’s been a funny few days (funny peculiar not funny ha ha). My brain seems to be settling into a new routine which is essentially two reasonable days followed by an absolute shocker. I’m taking this as a positive because it’s better than three straight shockers, right?

I was on annual leave on Friday. I’d had it booked for ages, but by the time it came around I couldn’t actually remember why. Still, it worked out okay in the end because I got to watch most of the tennis on a proper TV* and I didn’t have to take any time out of a working day to visit Mr Clever, the psychiatrist. I haven’t mentioned Mr Clever yet, have I? We have a love hate relationship…. No actually, scrub that we have a hate relationship insofar as that I hate him. I hate him primarily because he wears a bow tie, which may be irrational, but then I am talking about my psychiatrist here. When I first met him, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by thinking that he was wearing it in an ironic way, but he definitely isn’t. Mr Clever is a real life actual person who wears a bow tie to work every day and it tells me something about him that I don’t like. At this point I apologise for any offence caused to bow tie wearers, but seriously – what is it all about? Anyway, as far as I can tell I have to pole up at Mr Clever’s office at regular intervals to confirm in person that I haven’t topped myself yet. It’s an easy enough duty to fulfil, particularly given that I quite like hospitals. On another positive note he doesn’t ask me to tell him ‘how I feel about that’ which is a sure fire way to make me giggle because it reminds me of an episode of Monk.

I spent Friday evening in the pub** watching tennis on an iPad because the pub’s TV was broken***. It was good fun and it reminded me of how far I’ve actually come with some things in the last year. This time last year I couldn’t watch Wimbledon without thinking about jumping off a tall building, because it brought back some unhappy memories of happier times and because I was heartbroken and mental. I’ve hardly thought about any of those (un)happy times this year which must prove that the memories are dealt with and that I’m just plain old fashioned mental now. I think I like it better this way.

Saturday was a day of high excitement in the Wee Gee household because Alan the Ocado man brought my groceries. This is the most boring story I’ve told yet on my blog but I’m going to plough on and tell it anyway…. At the beginning of each month I do a massive online shop and fill up all my cupboards and my larder**** and then I spend a few hours unpacking it and organising the cupboards/larder. That’s the story. The reason I mention it is that it is an important event on the ‘looking after Wee Gee calendar’ because it means that all the ingredients for the ‘looking after Wee Gee meal plan’ are in the flat and all I need to do is make sure I make it to the supermarket once a week to stock up on fresh fruit and vegetables. It sets me up for the month ahead, and I always feel organised and in control on Ocado man Saturday. I told you it was boring!

Once the shopping was unpacked I spent some time learning how to draw a bird, and then had a pleasant afternoon wandering down by the river with my thoughts – it was nice to be with myself without driving myself mad. Saturday evening was a tense affair what with the tennis and all. I was glad that Murray won even if I do hate him. I hate Andy Murray because he is sullen and belligerent which I guess is a better reason for hating someone than the fact that they wear a bow tie!

And then came Sunday which was the shocker in the pack. My mood was back to flat and empty and I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything – I had deserted myself. Needless to say I spent Sunday following the well rehearsed routine aimed at keeping Wee Gee away from the cliff edge. I don’t need to go into details here, but I mostly approached Sunday in increments. Increments works quite well for me on occasion, and really just means I try to have a ‘normal’ day interjected with periods of hiding. As you can probably tell, given that I’m writing this, I weathered the storm and arrived at Monday intact.

The only significant thing to report about Monday is that I started the 10,000 steps challenge today. By way of background, about two months ago I decided to get involved in a challenge whereby I have to take at least 10,000 steps every day for six weeks and fundraise for Mind at the same time. Looking back it seems clear that I was in a Citalopram induced fit of enthusiasm when I signed up. Nevertheless I’m signed up now so I have to go through with it and I intend to do my best to raise the modest sum of one hundred smackers for Mind. There are two potential difficulties with this. The first is the very real prospect that I go into hiding during the challenge. I do a lot of pacing when I’m in hiding but I can’t imagine that I do 10,000 steps worth of pacing. The second is that no-one sponsors me, which would be awful not least because it would just confirm my suspicions that everybody I know actually hates me. On both points I’m just going to have to wait and see and cross the bridges as I come to them.

Meanwhile in other news work is still a bit shit and the Man Who Know is still alive and that’s all I have to say about that. Nothing further to add today save that Mr Hilarious is back after a leave of absence and I didn’t realise how much I missed him until he came back.

Take care, Wee Gee.

*As opposed to on my PC at work or on an iPad

**But not in a boozy way

***No, I don’t know why we didn’t think to move to a different pub either

****I say larder, but I really just mean a part of my wardrobe that doesn’t have clothes in. My kitchen is tiny.

Posted in About today

Down with the kids

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m a little lacking in inspiration today. Truth told, I’ve been a little bit lacking in inspiration all weekend which is why I’ve had nothing to say for myself. Everything’s feeling flat and empty for me at the moment, like someone stole my brain and replaced it with cotton wool. I bet you can’t wait to read this one.

What can I tell you about this weekend then? I have continued to wake up at ridiculous o’clock, in fact, I’ve now seen 4am 4 days running. Sadly I haven’t been leading the kind of rock ‘n roll life that statement might imply – it’s more a case of being up with the mentals than being down with the kids. How life changes…. The thing about four o’clock in the morning is that there isn’t actually anything to do. I guess that’s why most people have the good sense to be asleep. Still, to put a positive spin on it I have used the time wisely and read the Internet. All of it.

Who knows what this waking up at ridiculous o’clock is all about. I guess it must be the medication which is also causing me to have some particularly vivid dreams – I feel like it really happened, and it’s mundane enough to have really happened so at the moment I have this odd sensation that I can’t be sure what actually happened. Does that make sense? Anyway, as far as I can tell I appear to be achieving a whole new level of dementedness that I didn’t even know existed.

Did I mention that the jitters have mostly passed? Well they have. The only time I ‘go a bit weird’ now is when someone creeps up on me, which happens reasonably often. It’s not that people are in the habit of deliberately creeping up on me, it’s just that I work in a very long office with my back to the door so people often appear without me noticing them on the approach. And then I jump right out of my skin and squeal in a comedy fashion. Nevertheless I’m glad to be mostly rid of the jitters  – I find that being flat and empty is much easier to manage than all that bonkers jittery stuff.

Saturday was a gruesome day for me. I spent the evening teetering on the edge of the cliff thinking about jumping off. I think my brain is trying to murder me which is a royal pain in the backside because I don’t especially want to be dead. Gawd only knows what I’ve done to deserve this from something which, by rights, should be fairly attached to the idea of me not being dead but there you go. The main point is that I didn’t wake up dead on Sunday so I make that Wee Gee: 1 Brain: 0. Round two will doubtless follow at an unspecified interval. Pah!

Sunday was about putting things back together after Saturday, buying a replacement hairdryer after my existing went pop and started making a horrid burning smell and watching a soccerball match that I didn’t care about because a) I’m Scottish and b) I just didn’t.

It’s Monday today and Project Rubbish has kicked off in more ways than one. Turns out The Man Who Knows is not the project sponsor and he does not like it one bit, primarily because he is The Man Who Knows who knows everything about everything. He’s sulking and refusing to talk to anyone at the moment which makes this whole working together thing difficult to achieve. What a giant arsehole. He is so getting a poke in the eye some time soon.

Meanwhile in other news I think somebody lied to me on Saturday – a pause before an answer and then a comment later on that didn’t stack up. This person had no reason to lie to me and, more to the point, I have no reason to care that they lied to me but they did lie and I do care which means I have to work out how I feel about it. I hate having to work out how I feel about stuff.

I’ve nothing further to add today save that I haven’t included a single asterisk in my post which is a shame. I’ve tried to remedy it, I really have, but I’m coming up with zilch. I guess that’s just the kind of day it is today.

Tatty bye

Wee Gee x

Posted in About today

This is really happening, isn’t it?

Posted on by WeeGee

I don’t really like Radiohead anymore – I lost interest somewhere around OK Computer – but I do really like this song. I think it sounds like how I feel a lot of the time:

The line in the song that goes ‘this is really happening’ is a notion that strikes me every now and then, usually in the wee small hours when I can’t sleep and there’s nowhere to hide from all the things that are happening in my head. Sometimes I feel incredulous about it all because how very dare this be happening in my head, but most of the time I feel frightened because this is really happening and what if I can’t figure out how to make it quieten down again?

I had 11 whole years when I didn’t have to struggle very hard with myself. I had to struggle a little bit because I don’t think the voices* ever go away you just get better at answering them back, or ignoring them, or both. I think of my difficulties as a dark passenger** because they are always there at my side. I’ve carried my dark passenger everywhere I’ve ever been – sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it isn’t so heavy; sometimes it’s almost silent and sometimes it’s very, very loud; sometimes it looks out the window as we travel and sometimes it takes over the driving.

For the past year or so my dark passenger has been in the driving seat and I’ve had to struggle very hard with myself. Compared to the 11 years where I wasn’t struggling much, the past year feels like it’s lasted for a lifetime. Sometimes, I get sick and tired of it all and I just wish that all the nonsense would disappear out of my head. Other times, I remember that it will never disappear completely and so I start to wonder what the point of struggling very hard with yourself just so you don’t have to struggle very hard with yourself is. Right now is one of those other times.

Today I feel a bit small and insignificant and, above all else, frightened. I’m wondering what would happen if I just stopped struggling and gave my brain over to the darkness. I don’t much like being in the dark, but I can’t help thinking it’d probably be a little easier on me.

Still, tomorrow I’ll be all brave again. Thoughts pass eventually because that is their way.

Wee Gee x

 

 

*I should point out to you that over the years I have learned that you need to be very careful when you’re talking about the ‘voices in your head’.

**If anyone watches Dexter, mine is not at all like that dark passenger – just for the avoidance of doubt!

Posted in About today

I did not see that one coming

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay, so the first thing I should say is that this post discusses self harm. If you think that might put you in a dangerous place please look away now, because it’s important to everybody that everybody stays safe.

{Pause to allow people to look away now}*

The second thing to say is that I’m currently on step number three of the safety plan**. I used to have three ‘real’ people I could communicate with if I thought I was in a risky situation: Mr Wise, Mr Hilarious and Mr Friendly, but now I’ve added my blog to the list of ‘people it is safe to communicate with’. The aforementioned Mr’s*** are otherwise engaged, and (as daft as it sounds) I’m not in the right place for crisis intervention so I’m writing this post in an attempt to communicate all this crazy stuff out of my head.

{Pause for a few deep breaths}

Here’s what happened. I sat down to write a post (it’s a funny story about me at a party so I’ll probably get round to posting it another time) and then I had a nosebleed. A proper, massive, wouldn’t stop nosebleed.

I don’t think I’ve had a proper, massive, wouldn’t stop nosebleed since I was about twelve years old and although I know it should have been a tad distressing, I actually really liked it. I liked it because all that bright red blood on a white tissue felt like the most sensible, meaningful thing on earth and I thought to myself that if my nose stops bleeding there would still be lots of other ways to get back to the most sensible and meaningful thing on earth.

I haven’t cut myself since last November. I didn’t really remember doing it but the evidence suggested that I made a pretty serious attempt to actually cut one of my legs off. To be fair, that was an isolated incident and it’s a very long time since each morning has been about working out what I’d done the day before with reference to the bloody rags and sharp implements scattered around me. I was in an awful, painful place, I have some pretty hideous scars and would do anything, anything, anything to go back in time and make it not happen. So why should it make any sense whatsoever to think that slicing myself open and watching the blood ooze out is the answer to a question that I haven’t even worked out yet?

Nowadays, I tend to work on the assumption that I am a grown up, and that I have therefore found grown up, subtle ways to hurt myself. As if that’s some kind of achievement! I know it’s a load of blinking rubbish, because most grown-ups don’t spend any time what-so-bloody-ever thinking about hurting themselves. What’s this thing about hurting myself even more than I’m already hurting? What’s this thing about bright red blood on white tissues? Roar, roar and triple roar. Can I start again please?

I’m sorry if this one is a bit rambling, but it was more about getting thoughts out of my brain than achieving a coherent post…..

Meanwhile in other news I have managed three meals and a trip to the outside world today, and my cat has just about got used to the new voile panel in our flat. Oh. And I went to a party yesterday.

Take care, Wee Gee x

*I hope you won’t think I’m being flippant because I’m really not – it’s just my way.

**At the moment my number one mission in life is to be well enough to be able to cope without a safety plan.

***I know perfectly well that Mr’s is not an ideal use of the apostrophe, but according to the OED style guide it is acceptable to use an apostrophe to ensure clarity of meaning. If I’d put Mrs it would have looked like I meant a married lady person, rather than the plural of Mr. (What can I say? I’m the grammar police so I’m getting my alibi in early….)

Posted in About today

Wrong again, Wee Gee

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not okay at the moment, and I know I’m not okay because I am doing a very good job of pretending to be okay. It seems to me that the less okay I am, the better I get at pretending to be okay and I think this might be yet another way that my brain has found of doing exactly the opposite of what’s expected of it. Pah!

On the surface, I suppose things aren’t too bad. I’m eating enough and sleeping enough to mean that I only need to apply a half tonne of blusher before I can leave the flat without fear of frightening small children; the bills are paid and the post is being opened; there are groceries in the fridge; I’m keeping appointments and taking my meds; I’m clean and my flat’s clean; I’ve done nothing to hurt myself for a few weeks; I’m sober. But inside, it’s all just wrong. I really can’t think of a better way to put it – wrong pretty much covers it. I’ve tried explaining ‘wrong’ to all kinds of people before – friends, family, doctors, counsellors and once a bloke I met in a pub* – but people don’t seem to be able to get it. They want to know ‘what’s’ wrong and all I can say is that ‘it’s just wrong’.

Apart from feeling wrong I’m still a jumpy, jittery mess and I don’t like being jumpy and jittery. It’s the opposite of what being me is usually like and I feel kind of dangerous with it. Feeling like you want to smash your whole world up is manageable when all you have the energy to do is lie face down on the bed, but when you’re wired and full of restlessness you begin to be afraid of what you’ll do next. Energy and thoughts of flinging yourself under a bus really don’t mix too well together, do they? Does that make any sense at all? Or have I gone ‘wrong’ again?!

If I’m honest there’s also whole lot of stuff that I need to work out – how I feel about some stuff and what I’m going to do about some other stuff – but I can’t seem to work any of it out with the world continuing apace around me. A bit of a breather would be just super right now, so if anybody out there has worked out a magic way of making the world stop for a little while, I’d be forever grateful if you could let me know. In the meantime I’m going to listen to Belle and Sebastian singing about stopping the world, because I want to and because I can…..

Lots of love from (a slightly overwhelmed and tired) Wee Gee x

*It wasn’t one of my finest hours

Posted in About today

I am angry

Posted on by WeeGee

If I knew my readers a little better I’d probably start off by swearing; really badly. But I really don’t want to offend anybody so I’ll keep the profanities for the cat (he doesn’t seem to mind). I don’t know what the matter with me is, apart from the fact that I’m grumpy – nothing has happened to make me particularly grumpy but then again I suppose even mentalists have normal off days. If you see what I mean.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned the world can shut its mouth:

Apart from feeling a bit ‘boo to everything’ I’m doing pretty well  after the mahoosive ‘bit of a maddy’ on Wednesday. By the time I woke up on Thursday ‘no’ had quietened down and I was able to get myself through the motions once more. Fank gawd for that. Looking back there are a couple of reasons to be cheerful following my ‘moment’:

  1. I didn’t decide not to eat, despite being in hiding and feeling rotten
  2. I didn’t do myself a mischief, serious or otherwise
  3. It passed quite quickly
  4. I didn’t end up wandering around the outside world in my PJs raving at strangers

As is always the case with these things it could’ve been worse….

My appointment with the doctor today confirmed that the jitters are ‘almost certainly’ caused by the citalopram and that they should ‘pass in (an unspecified amount of) time’. That’s alright then. I’ll tell myself that next time I’m bouncing off the walls and considering jumping out the window*. Told you I was grumpy.

Meanwhile in other news, I sent an email today** and I’m off up to Nottingham for a few days with the folks tomorrow. It’ll be good to get out of London for a while and I’ve a few old friends to catch up with which is always cool.

Beyond that, I don’t have anything else to say for myself today but I wanted to make sure I posted something or it would have been the best part of a week before I did***.

That’s all from me folks.

Love (a rather grumpy but not in a mental way) Wee Gee x

* It’s okay. I only live on the first floor.

** I’ve been meaning to send it for ages – it’s a long story which I’ll no doubt tell in time

***If I left it that long I’d almost certainly give up and go all flaky.

Posted in About today

My brain is broken and I’d like to complain

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been in hiding today which, having survived the bank holiday weekend without once going into hiding, was a bit of a blow. It has made me think that I’d like to swap my brain – if nothing else I’d at least like one that has the decency to decide to go into hiding when I’m expecting it to.

In the end, the dreaded bank holiday weekend wasn’t particularly dreadful. Save a touch of the jitters on Saturday and a couple of wobbles on Sunday afternoon I was gainfully occupied with various tasks and activities and suitably distracted. Get this, I even left the flat more times than had I intended to. I met up with Mr Brave on Sunday for brunch – it was good fun and we spent most of the time talking about the merits and de-merits of online dating sites (his were the merits and mine were the other). I also caught up with Mr Friendly over lunch on Tuesday which was equally nice, even if we did spend a considerable amount of the time talking about how much of a nutter I’ve been for the past year or so. Two social outings without me going flaky and cancelling is quite an achievement for me at the moment.

As an aside, I’ve had a couple of attacks of ‘the jitters’ over the past few days. I’m prone to worrying – it’s usually quite endearing if a little frustrating – but the jitters are like my usual worrying multiplied by a million or two. I’m putting this down to the medication which we’re* working to increase so I’m hoping it will pass soon. There’s quite enough lunacy in my life without ‘the jitters’ thank you very much. (It’s also quite embarrassing to jump right out of your skin if someone so much as looks at you unexpectedly.)

Anyway, back to the hiding. When I’m well** I probably go into hiding about once every two months or so. When things aren’t so good, it’s closer to once a fortnight. This isn’t at all ideal when you are somehow managing to hold down a full time job no matter how understanding your employer is. Still, that’s by the by. It happens and you move on; that there is my brave face.

I wake up every day feeling like I can’t face it but I almost always do face it – and I try to see this as a positive. I try to be glad that it’s only on the smallest minority of mornings that I wake up with a giant ‘no’ surrounding me. When ‘no’ is upon me, it doesn’t matter what I try to think or what bargains I do with myself ‘no’ booms out in the background and keeps me where I am.

Today I kept telling myself that at X o’clock I would do a, b and c but before I knew it already was X o’clock and I was telling myself that at Y o’clock I would do d, e and f. In the end I gave up even trying to make plans and decided to go to sleep because going to sleep is still the best way I’ve found of avoiding myself when I’m sick of the sight and sound of me. I often sleep the time away. I tell myself that I wouldn’t be able to sleep that much if I didn’t need to but I know in my heart that isn’t quite true…

I eventually made it out of bed proper at about 6pm, still shattered, still low and still a bit jittery. Unfortunately, as I tried to force myself to go about the motions I found myself in the midst of ‘a bit of a maddy’. It was an unexpected ‘bit of a maddy’ and I actually began to think that it was going to be a This Is It Maddy. I was convinced that my brain had finally given up on me and I was either going to have a TV style breakdown and end up wandering around the outside world in my PJs raving at strangers or that I was going to do myself a serious mischief. It made me smile when I wrote the bit about the TV breakdown but at the time, it really wasn’t very funny at all.

Thankfully Mr Wise phoned at just the right moment, talked me down and helped me make a plan. The plan was that I would cook a meal, take a shower and write a blog post. If I still find myself feeling a bit This Is It when he phones me in a little while I’m going to go to A&E and tell them I’m having a mental health crisis**** and he’s going to pick me up and take me away from it all in the morning.

Anyway. I’m calm now and I think my This Is It moment has passed. I’ve got a phone call with a mate lined up before bed as well as another chat with Mr Wise and I’m going to do two lists for tomorrow – one for if I make it to work and a back up one in case the ‘no’ is upon me again. I’ll be on the sleeping tablets again tonight. I try not to take them unless it is absolutely essential, but I think today definitely falls under the essential banner.

Brains are rubbish aren’t they? I’d, really really like a new one that doesn’t pull such cruel stunts on me, so, as I like writing complaint letters here is my attempt to get an exchange….

Dear God****,

I’ve given the matter considerable thought and I would now like to return my brain to you and exchange it for a better one. It’s not in especially good working order but as I have not tampered with it or damaged it in any way it must have been faulty when I got it. It is still in its original packaging although this is a little worn around the edges.

Love and kisses Wee Gee xx

*I say we although I really mean ‘they’ but not because I’m paranoid.

**Oh how I laughed.

***This is the final step of the safety plan but I still can’t quite imagine myself actually saying it. Do you know what I mean?!

****Or whatever other supreme being is the one responsible for looking out for me.