I’m not okay at the moment, and I know I’m not okay because I am doing a very good job of pretending to be okay. It seems to me that the less okay I am, the better I get at pretending to be okay and I think this might be yet another way that my brain has found of doing exactly the opposite of what’s expected of it. Pah!
On the surface, I suppose things aren’t too bad. I’m eating enough and sleeping enough to mean that I only need to apply a half tonne of blusher before I can leave the flat without fear of frightening small children; the bills are paid and the post is being opened; there are groceries in the fridge; I’m keeping appointments and taking my meds; I’m clean and my flat’s clean; I’ve done nothing to hurt myself for a few weeks; I’m sober. But inside, it’s all just wrong. I really can’t think of a better way to put it – wrong pretty much covers it. I’ve tried explaining ‘wrong’ to all kinds of people before – friends, family, doctors, counsellors and once a bloke I met in a pub* – but people don’t seem to be able to get it. They want to know ‘what’s’ wrong and all I can say is that ‘it’s just wrong’.
Apart from feeling wrong I’m still a jumpy, jittery mess and I don’t like being jumpy and jittery. It’s the opposite of what being me is usually like and I feel kind of dangerous with it. Feeling like you want to smash your whole world up is manageable when all you have the energy to do is lie face down on the bed, but when you’re wired and full of restlessness you begin to be afraid of what you’ll do next. Energy and thoughts of flinging yourself under a bus really don’t mix too well together, do they? Does that make any sense at all? Or have I gone ‘wrong’ again?!
If I’m honest there’s also whole lot of stuff that I need to work out – how I feel about some stuff and what I’m going to do about some other stuff – but I can’t seem to work any of it out with the world continuing apace around me. A bit of a breather would be just super right now, so if anybody out there has worked out a magic way of making the world stop for a little while, I’d be forever grateful if you could let me know. In the meantime I’m going to listen to Belle and Sebastian singing about stopping the world, because I want to and because I can…..
Lots of love from (a slightly overwhelmed and tired) Wee Gee x
*It wasn’t one of my finest hours
How do you eat an elephant? 
I can relate to so much of this post. I, too, know that I’m not okay especially when I’m feeling like I have to present myself as “okay.” I also know the feeling that something is “wrong” but not quite knowing what it is. So often in my life people have asked me, “what’s wrong,” only for me to reply with, “I wish I knew…” Thanks for your post. I’m looking forward to reading more.
Brandic
(ps I love Belle & Sebastian)
Thanks for your comment. Other people have pointed out that when things feel ‘wrong’ you just have to wait for them to come right again – perhaps it just can’t be explained.
Take care, Wee Gee
(ps I love Belle and Sebastian too :-))
I’m so sorry for what you’re going though- this stuff is all so shit (she says so eloquently!)
Have you ever tried to meditate? That could be a pause…. maybe? Have you ever triedTai chi – everyone suits something and it may not do it for you- but for me, it’s been really helpful so perhaps try it? The kind of tai chi with chigong nothing more than that- it helps us learn to slow down and calm down and concentrate on our movements without any strain or effort yet not allowing too much rumination plus seriously it seems to bring some mental balance and stability .
Do you have a therapist? It seems to me you need someone to really hear you…
Btw, I know you feel wrong, but I know you’ll feel ‘right’ again- I know it
and… I don’t know if you realize how much you are doing!Keeping your appointments,taking your meds,not harming yourself as much,eating and sleeping enough, keeping on top of bills and posts- my God these these things are really big achievements!
Also, I don’t know how this would feel for you but I notice when i’m not ok and i shout it out; I admit it to everyone Iknow- not pretend to be ‘ok’ it relaxes me, gets me off the hook,i don’t have to work so hard.. do you know what I mean?
Hugehug xo
Mental balance and stabiltiy sounds super duper perfect to me. I used to do a spot of yoga which has a similar effect, so maybe I should think about re-introducing. I’ve got a collection of medical professionals to talk to at the moment, and I do keep talking at them 🙂
Thank you for the huge hug. It came just at the right time xx
I’m also currently feeling ‘wrong’ – thank you for putting words to what I’ve been having trouble describing.
“It’s the opposite of what being me is usually like and I feel kind of dangerous with it.”
Good for you for recognizing what’s happening and being able to control it. Good luck!
Thanks for the luck, much appreciated. I’m glad it isn’t just me who feels wrong from time to time 🙂
In the past the thing I found useful for a jittering, almost panicked state is heavy physical labour like digging or walking up 1 in 4 hills – it uses up the adrenaline, anyway. Difficult to fit in when doing an office job. And if you find out how to hit ‘pause’ to stop the world so you can draw breath, please let the rest of us know!
Pausing is such a sensible idea, isn’t it? I can’t believe no-one has invented it! Sadly there aren’t too many hills near me and I’d get in big trouble for digging up the communal garden, but I do find a brisk walk along the river settles me down a little 🙂
Yeah I get “wrong” too. I don’t know what it is, it’s just wrong. I had this conversation with my psychologist the other day. She doesn’t understand wrong. I don’t think wrong can be understood or explained, you just have to accept it and wait for it to be “right” again. Not that right is right, I think it should just be called managing 😉
I don’t have a suggestion, but try this….. http://make-everything-ok.com/
Sailor xox
I prefer managing to ‘right’ – who’s to say what’s right (then again, who’s to say what’s wrong (but I’ve confused myself now)).
The OK button is great. I’ve pressed it about a squillion times 🙂