I don’t really like Radiohead anymore – I lost interest somewhere around OK Computer – but I do really like this song. I think it sounds like how I feel a lot of the time:
The line in the song that goes ‘this is really happening’ is a notion that strikes me every now and then, usually in the wee small hours when I can’t sleep and there’s nowhere to hide from all the things that are happening in my head. Sometimes I feel incredulous about it all because how very dare this be happening in my head, but most of the time I feel frightened because this is really happening and what if I can’t figure out how to make it quieten down again?
I had 11 whole years when I didn’t have to struggle very hard with myself. I had to struggle a little bit because I don’t think the voices* ever go away you just get better at answering them back, or ignoring them, or both. I think of my difficulties as a dark passenger** because they are always there at my side. I’ve carried my dark passenger everywhere I’ve ever been – sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it isn’t so heavy; sometimes it’s almost silent and sometimes it’s very, very loud; sometimes it looks out the window as we travel and sometimes it takes over the driving.
For the past year or so my dark passenger has been in the driving seat and I’ve had to struggle very hard with myself. Compared to the 11 years where I wasn’t struggling much, the past year feels like it’s lasted for a lifetime. Sometimes, I get sick and tired of it all and I just wish that all the nonsense would disappear out of my head. Other times, I remember that it will never disappear completely and so I start to wonder what the point of struggling very hard with yourself just so you don’t have to struggle very hard with yourself is. Right now is one of those other times.
Today I feel a bit small and insignificant and, above all else, frightened. I’m wondering what would happen if I just stopped struggling and gave my brain over to the darkness. I don’t much like being in the dark, but I can’t help thinking it’d probably be a little easier on me.
Still, tomorrow I’ll be all brave again. Thoughts pass eventually because that is their way.
Wee Gee x
*I should point out to you that over the years I have learned that you need to be very careful when you’re talking about the ‘voices in your head’.
**If anyone watches Dexter, mine is not at all like that dark passenger – just for the avoidance of doubt!
7 thoughts on “This is really happening, isn’t it?”
Sometimes reading this is like looking in a mirror. Not a real mirror, but you mirror the way the world looks to me. Amaze-balls. You think you’re the only one, then along pops another nutter 😉
I’ve started letting my dark passenger, aka Charlotte, do more of the nice things she likes to do. Charlotte is the one who does all the painting. I like art, but I can’t be bothered because it doesn’t really achieve anything. Charlotte also likes doing it because it doesn’t achieve anything. Is there anything your other voices want to do to keep a bit of piece with them?
I don’t think I’ll ever fix the Charlotte-ness, I am just learning to deal with her.
The best thing about blogging is all the nutters you come across – nutters of all shapes and sizes but also one’s who are uncannily like you. As you say. Amaze-balls. I really don’t think you lose the other altogether either, you just have to find a way to live with it. That’s the hard part though, isn’t it?
As far as I can tell, my voices seem only to want me to stop doing things or jump off tall buildings (I jest – a bit 😉 ) but maybe I need to listen more carefully and try and find something positive…
Take care x
Ha mine tell me to jump of bridges. I think it’d be a horrible painful death, but still it is a compulsion.
My psychologist gave me a paper on accepting your demons. I haven’t read it yet, but if I find it useful I’ll try and find a link for it.
I asked my psychologist if I should reason with Charlotte or ignor her. She said I should do a bit of both. I looked at schema modes a little while ago, Charlotte can be compared to the impulsive, angry child. My psychologist said, this mode is like any small child, when she has tantrums they are the loudest…… Which is probably why it feels so awful when it does happen, but really it is just because she is throwing a right wobbler 🙂
I agree that the nonsense in our heads may not disappear, but that doesn’t mean it won’t change forms, or that we won’t get better at dealing with it. Sorry your struggle is so hard right now.
Thanks 🙂 I’ve got my chin up again and am battling on. Hope you are okay too. Take care, Wee Geex
LOVE that song – the more I listen, the more I hear a theme that speaks to us mentals. Sorry you’re feeling down – my suicide voices are pulling me down now too, except thay won’t pass, that is not their nature, and I am calculating hard. If I could switch out for terminal liver cancer I’d take it in a heartbeat. Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Thanks for commenting. In the end, ‘tomorrow’ was better but then today came along and it was back to the battling. Hope you are doing okay. x