Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The same jeans

This post comes with rather a lot of warnings, the first being that it’s late at night and no-one ever really turns out their best work late at night. I’m also in the midst of the most ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that I can remember in a long time, which isn’t going to make for easy reading.

Oh, and before you ask, this post has nothing to do with a pair of jeans unless of course we’re going to accept that WeeGee is having a ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that she’s trying to pin on a pair of jeans even though the jeans have nothing to do with it. Welcome back to WeeGee land……

It all started a few weeks ago when it seemed that my life divided in two. On the one hand I had the whole ‘I’m doing well, it’ll all be fine’ thing going on – on the other it was all a bit ‘what the FUCK, this isn’t supposed to be happening and I’m not too sure what to do to make it right’. I suppose I should have spotted the problem coming down the tracks, but, you know, brains don’t really work like that, especially not alien brains. I’m not going to beat myself up about that.

Anyway – so there I was, wobbling about all over the place. On the one hand everything was fine, and on the other hand it really wasn’t but I was just about managing to ignore the crazy. And then the crazy started leaking out of my ears*

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been so crazy that the crazy leaked out of you ears. I mean, I hope not, because it SUCKS, but then again, at the very least, I’m hoping you’ll know what I’m talking about? For me, I guess, it was one of those moments when I was reminded that I’m not always going to be able to do this whole being alive thing by myself.

So, I did what it used to take me along time to do, and I asked for help.

In some ways I’m lucky. When I ask for help a whole support machine seems to swing in to place around me. But then again, that’s only because of where I’ve been, and what I’ve (somehow) managed to survive. But it’s there, and the most important thing I’ve discovered this week is that I can ask for it.

Tonight I’m feeling very quiet and frightened and, to be honest, a bit boo hoo. At the same time I’m proud because I’m trying to stop the worst of me from happening to myself. I’ve said so many times in my blog that dealing with crazy is about doing the right things even when they feel wrong. Now, I suppose, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As for the jeans? Well they don’t matter at all, so I’m not going to talk about them other than to say that if clothes from the past no longer fit then the past is surely a healthy distance away.

Here’s a song to end on. It’s about jeans. Sorta:

I love you all lots like a million billion jelly tots xoxo

*I borrowed this phrase from a fellow crazy. I know she won’t mind.

Posted in About today

World Mental Health Day (and some sleep deprivation delirium for good measure)

The first thing to say, I guess, is that it’s pretty late here in WeeGee land. The second thing to say is that I apologise in advance for any typos, grammatical errors, or nonsensical nonsense. It’s just that I’m currently functioning* on two hours sleep and my typing, grammar, and sensible skills aren’t at their sharpest…..

It’s alright though, no need to worry because I’m not going to bore you with the boring story of why WeeGee isn’t sleeping at the moment . I’m not even going to fill you on the hilarious (and disastrous) hilarity that befalls a WeeGee when she is experiencing sleep deprivation delirium. Don’t get me wrong, if today was any other day that’s probably exactly what you’d get but today is World Mental Health Day, so I’m going to make some noise about that instead. What else is a mental, sleep deprived girl to do?

This year, the focus of World Mental Health day is on older people – in particular the mental health of the over 55s, because apparently, the statistics would have it that the over 55s are considerably ‘happier’ than 24-54 year olds. I guess that in itself is interesting enough to cue one of my little thinks** but what really struck me about this year’s theme is that the focus is on actual ‘healthy’ mental health.

A great many of the narratives on mental health are about what happens when things go wrong – I for one have managed to fill a whole blog with my own experiences of living with mental health difficulties. The tendency, I think, is to relate the term ‘mental health’ with poor mental health and this (or so it seems to me) is one of the things that marks sufferers out as ‘different’ in some way.

I’m blogging today to state the bleedin’ obvious, as it were, and to point out that EACH AND EVERY ONE of us has mental health. For some of us it’s good, and for some of us it’s not so good but we very definitely have it in common. I can’t help thinking, when you look at it that way, that if only we would talk to one another we’d learn an awful lot, and end up all the richer for it whichever side of the divide we tend to sit.

Right now, I’m not too sure which side of the line I’m sitting, but I’ve come to an understanding with myself: it really doesn’t matter. When I was depressed I thought that everyone who wasn’t depressed was happy. Now I’m not depressed I realise that was the depression doing my thinking. Now I’m not depressed I just sort of am. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m million different kinds of feelings (occasionally all at the same time) I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve had to learn a lot about not being depressed and I’ve mostly learned that by paying attention to the people in my life who were taking care of their mental health.

I’m much better at taking care of my mental health than I used to be. I know that I need to keep myself fed, and watered and rested. I know that I need to make time to exercise, and get fresh air, and laugh at myself when I get obsessive about whatever my latest minor obsession is*** I need to read books, and take photographs and spend time with the people who matter to me. Most of all I know that sometimes I need to be brave enough to sit with myself and feel the feelings. It took me a long time to realise that those were the sort of things that other people had been doing all along – taking care of their mental health without even realising it.

I’m not over 55 and I wouldn’t describe myself as happy**** so I’m not too sure what I can contribute to spreading the word about that. What I can say is that it’s World Mental Health Day. And mental health, whether it’s good or bad, is something we should all keep talking about.

A serious one from me today. But even the WeeGee is serious once in a while. But then again, look at this photo it proper made me laugh:

Love you lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

Ps. I’ve got a new blogging and blog reading plan so hopefully I’m back in the game after my recent spell of ‘I don’t know what to say/I’ve run out of time’

*I use the word in the loosest possible fashion
** If nothing else I thought hey, that’s a reason to be cheerful because I’m not 55 yet so it can only get better
*** currently a fairly even mix of Breaking Bad, collecting conkers***** and pickled onions
****Primarily because I’m functioning on two hours sleep and I’m really rather ANXIOUS
*****You may know them as horse chestnuts.

Posted in Moving forwards

Remember me? WeeGee?

I suppose you know it’s been WAY too long since your last blog post when the great and the good of the blogosphere start popping up all over the place to say “hey there WeeGee! Are you still there or did you go and fall off the end of the universe or something?”

I’m not entirely sure how it got to be quite so long since my last post. I’m conscious that it was a big post and that maybe, at least in a small part, I spooked myself a little when I realised quite how candid I’d been. Most people were nothing short of AWESOME about the whole ‘attention real world: I am a mental person’ thing but one or two weren’t quite so pleased which hurt a little. Then again, I guess all it goes to show is that you can’t please all of the people all of the time……

Anyhow – that’s all done with now and I’m back which means there’s only one thing for it: A Spectacular Update On All The Spectacular Things WeeGee Has Been Up To. Who’s in?

So. Is everything all spectacular here in WeeGee land? Well of course not, but that’s not the way the world works. On the other hand if you were to ask is WeeGee well, and taking care of herself, and still putting one foot in front of the other? Well hell yes, and then some. When you’re depressed I think you think that getting better is going to be the opposite of where you are, and that you’ll somehow start to leap out of bed in the morning full of hope, and optimism and HAPPINESS. The thing is that the normal brains don’t work like that, so why on earth would a getting better mental brain behave that way?

Life isn’t perfect, or perhaps more accurately, the way I interact with life isn’t perfect. I’m still pretty frightened, and overwhelmed, and likely to hide. But I’m out there, and I’m doing it anyway and if I’m honest it really doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. Do you know what? If this is as far as I’m ever going to get I’m going to take it and be content: it doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. I don’t suppose you can say much fairer than that.

Since last I blogged I’ve been having a real life. I’ve been finding my mojo at work, and working things out with Mr Friendly, and taking lots of photos, and cooking lots of food. I guess I’ve been doing what I said I was going to do: working out who WeeGee is now. Maybe that’s the headline – it isn’t perfect, but WeeGee finally has a real life and she likes it.

As always I saved the best for last. On the one hand I know that another person shouldn’t ever count as the best thing. But on the other hand that rule doesn’t account for Mr Awesome Thing Number Five* turning up. What can I say? That I don’t deserve him? That I can’t believe my luck? Or that maybe I’m going to take this too because it works (thus far) and that we’re happy (thus far) and can anyone spot anything else that matters? Thought not…..

Much in the same way as I didn’t mean to be unwell, I didn’t mean to get better. I kept on keeping on, doing all the right stuff, and hoping for the future. Where I’m at now just kinda happened, and that’s not miraculous. It’s just the way life ebbs and flows, and the way the brain behaves, and the way somehow, if you hold on tight enough you’ll always come out on the other side.

I love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

*if I’d known how things were going to turn out is have given him a shorter name.