Posted in About today

A post in want of a proper title

Not only is this post in want of a proper title, it is also slightly unusual. Ordinarily, before I write a post, I spend some time thinking about what I want to write about, come up with a clever and witty title* as well as a loose structure. There are usually a couple of drafts.

I haven’t done any of that today. In fact I’m just going to dive right in** and get started stream of consciousness style. This could be interesting given the state of my consciousness.

There’s a lot on my mind today.

Here’s a list of what’s on my mind:

1. Rollercoasters

A lot of people describe the experience of living with mental health conditions as akin to being on a rollercoaster. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever used myself but it occurred to me today that that’s exactly what it’s like. It’s all up/down, backwards/forwards, upside down/inside out and from side to side. There’s also that bit when you’re peering over the edge filled full of fear and panic thinking you’re going to die. So, yeah – living in my brain is exactly like living on a rollercoaster.

Incidentally, I don’t like real life Rollercoasters at all. Why spend your hard earned cash to get filled full of fear and panic when you are capable of achieving the exact same results without having to leave the comfort of your own home. My take is that if you really want to experience terror you’d do well to keep your money and take up being mental instead. That’s A Joke by the way.

2. The flat and empties

The flat and empties are upon me today. I find the flat and empties frustrating because I find it difficult to understand why I no longer care about the things that as recently as yesterday I cared about. Why can’t I care about anything today? I usually ‘care too much for my own good’ so maybe the flat and empties are just my brain’s way of levelling things out. It’s a theory….

The real difficulty with the flat and empties is the fact that you have to do battle with yourself to get ANYTHING done. Doing battle isn’t exactly straightforward when you don’t care about anything. You just want to admit defeat and go back to doing nothing and not caring.

3. Birthdays

I’ll be having a birthday on Saturday and everyone else*** seems to be more interested in this fact than me. It’s not so much that I don’t like birthdays, it’s just that (you guessed it) I don’t really see the point. It’s a day. I’m a year older – although to be fair, the getting older bit doesn’t actually happen overnight. That’s it – a day and I’m older. So what? My brain will still be broken and I’ll still want to hide from the world. The only difference about my birthday is that I have to pretend to be happy so as not to offend anyone. Usually it’s up to me whether I pretend to be happy or not.

It’s nice that people want to be nice to me, of course it is. But the main thing is…. Bah humbug.

4. Time

I suppose you can’t avoid the fact that time has passed when you have a birthday. If I really wanted to be bleak about it I could point out that a birthday is just a miserable pointer that more time has disappeared without you getting to where you want to be. Woe is me!

When I was 29 I wrote a trite and pretentious poem called ‘Ode to my twenties’. I didn’t keep it, but the central premise what that my twenties had been rubbish but my thirties wouldn’t be. I was wrong about that. At least so far – I suppose I’ve got seven more years until I can say, categorically, that I was wrong.

Here’s the other thing about time. It passes. That’s all time does – it just happens. Time doesn’t heal or make anything any better. Time isn’t precious. It passes and it keeps on coming – you get rid of it. That is all.

5. The stupid things people say

I went to Kingston today and got stopped by a chugger. Chuggers always stop me – it’s a bit like that thing that babies and cats do with people who don’t really like them: radiate towards them and make them feel uncomfortable. I don’t like talking to stangers and chuggers seem to make a beeline for me. Why?

Anyway – I’m too polite (or frightened) to ignore people if they speak to me so I got the banter about Cancer Research, or whatever it was, and then I employed ‘The Phrase’. I used to get all tongue tied trying to explain that I already did payroll giving and had set up direct debits to charities of my choice but I hated it because I always thought that they thought I was lying. When I mentioned this to Mr Wise he told me what to say and it works every time. You have to look them in the eye, smile and then say:

“I’m really sorry but I can’t help you with that today”

This particular chugger said – ‘okay not to worry. Would you like to hear a fact before you go?’ And I thought oh bums – it didn’t work he’s going to have a killer fact that will give me the guilts and force me to hand over my bank account details in shame….. This is what he said:

“You know the word ‘news’?”

“Yes”, I said because that particular word does indeed form part of my vocabulary.

“Well, it’s actually made up from the first letters of the words North, East, West and South”

I thought this was HIGHLY unlikely, and sounded a bit stupid.

At this point I could have said “how interesting thank you for the fact” and made my escape but it seemed HIGHLY unlikely and sounded a bit stupid (which bothered me) so I said “Really (dubious voice) how do you know that?”

This is what he said:

“Somebody told me”

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with people? If I’d been quick enough off the mark I’d have thought of an even more ridiculous fact to tell him. But I wasn’t so I walked away feeling bothered.

Of course I looked it up when I got home. His fact? Yeah, well isn’t a fact. It’s (SWEARING WARNING FOR ROXY) bullshit.

6. The merits and demerits of pink jeans.

I went to Kingston in order to buy a pink top to go with some trousers I have. I didn’t buy a pink top but I did buy some pink jeans. I’m still not sure how I feel about that….

Here ends the post in want of a proper title.

Lots of love, WeeGee xx

*IMHO

**It must be all the Olympic diving I’ve been watching

***Not quite ‘everyone’ but a lot of people who know me

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Posted in About today

Down with the kids

I’m a little lacking in inspiration today. Truth told, I’ve been a little bit lacking in inspiration all weekend which is why I’ve had nothing to say for myself. Everything’s feeling flat and empty for me at the moment, like someone stole my brain and replaced it with cotton wool. I bet you can’t wait to read this one.

What can I tell you about this weekend then? I have continued to wake up at ridiculous o’clock, in fact, I’ve now seen 4am 4 days running. Sadly I haven’t been leading the kind of rock ‘n roll life that statement might imply – it’s more a case of being up with the mentals than being down with the kids. How life changes…. The thing about four o’clock in the morning is that there isn’t actually anything to do. I guess that’s why most people have the good sense to be asleep. Still, to put a positive spin on it I have used the time wisely and read the Internet. All of it.

Who knows what this waking up at ridiculous o’clock is all about. I guess it must be the medication which is also causing me to have some particularly vivid dreams – I feel like it really happened, and it’s mundane enough to have really happened so at the moment I have this odd sensation that I can’t be sure what actually happened. Does that make sense? Anyway, as far as I can tell I appear to be achieving a whole new level of dementedness that I didn’t even know existed.

Did I mention that the jitters have mostly passed? Well they have. The only time I ‘go a bit weird’ now is when someone creeps up on me, which happens reasonably often. It’s not that people are in the habit of deliberately creeping up on me, it’s just that I work in a very long office with my back to the door so people often appear without me noticing them on the approach. And then I jump right out of my skin and squeal in a comedy fashion. Nevertheless I’m glad to be mostly rid of the jitters  – I find that being flat and empty is much easier to manage than all that bonkers jittery stuff.

Saturday was a gruesome day for me. I spent the evening teetering on the edge of the cliff thinking about jumping off. I think my brain is trying to murder me which is a royal pain in the backside because I don’t especially want to be dead. Gawd only knows what I’ve done to deserve this from something which, by rights, should be fairly attached to the idea of me not being dead but there you go. The main point is that I didn’t wake up dead on Sunday so I make that Wee Gee: 1 Brain: 0. Round two will doubtless follow at an unspecified interval. Pah!

Sunday was about putting things back together after Saturday, buying a replacement hairdryer after my existing went pop and started making a horrid burning smell and watching a soccerball match that I didn’t care about because a) I’m Scottish and b) I just didn’t.

It’s Monday today and Project Rubbish has kicked off in more ways than one. Turns out The Man Who Knows is not the project sponsor and he does not like it one bit, primarily because he is The Man Who Knows who knows everything about everything. He’s sulking and refusing to talk to anyone at the moment which makes this whole working together thing difficult to achieve. What a giant arsehole. He is so getting a poke in the eye some time soon.

Meanwhile in other news I think somebody lied to me on Saturday – a pause before an answer and then a comment later on that didn’t stack up. This person had no reason to lie to me and, more to the point, I have no reason to care that they lied to me but they did lie and I do care which means I have to work out how I feel about it. I hate having to work out how I feel about stuff.

I’ve nothing further to add today save that I haven’t included a single asterisk in my post which is a shame. I’ve tried to remedy it, I really have, but I’m coming up with zilch. I guess that’s just the kind of day it is today.

Tatty bye

Wee Gee x