Category: About today

Posted in About today

WeeGee has a bit of a birthday

Posted on by WeeGee

Once upon a time WeeGee didn’t write a blog but then one day she decided to start one. And it was one of the smartest decisions she ever made……

It isn’t often that you know exactly what you were doing this time last year and it usually isn’t a good thing when you do. Up until now, my anniversaries have always been sad – the anniversary of someone leaving, or something ending, or something sad happening. Today is something of a novel anniversary for me because today marks the one year anniversary of my blog. That, by the way, is a very happy anniversary.

I suppose the first thing to note is that my blog has survived this long. It wasn’t one of my fads which was all AWESOME in one of my awesome moments and forgotten the next. I’ve managed to see it through, to tend it, and let it grow. That in itself marks WeeGee coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

But it’s so much more than that. Blogging has been good for me. Writing the experience of my life has been the most valuable tool I’ve ever found in terms of getting, and keeping myself well. Having a blog to keep up to date forces me to live in the moment and to remember that life is nothing more than a series of moments brought together. Blogging has taught me more than I ever thought I’d know about the holy grail that is the ‘here and now’.

When I started writing my blog this time last year I was at a very low ebb. I wanted to make it, but didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place – I wanted to be dead, I didn’t care about anything, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local A&E. It was only a matter of time before I did myself a serious mischief.

And then there’s now. I don’t want to be dead, and I care about more things that I could possibly mention. Better still it’s months since I last turned up at A&E to be patched up, or put right, or because I had nowhere else to go. The best of all? I want to be alive and the things I care about are AWESOME.

A year on and I’m doing well. It’s been a fantastic journey and I love all of the people I’ve connected with along the way. It strikes me that my online life mirrors my real life in that I’ve always been really lucky when it comes to friends.

So anyway, this is WeeGee checking in one year later. She’s still a bit vulnerable and wonky. But mostly she’s eating the elephant because that’s what this year has been all about.

All you can do is the right things. It can, and does, get better in time.

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

It’s not all bad

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been feeling a little bit grey, ever so slightly tearful, and a tad over suspicious. As in all at the same time. That’s a lot of different ways to be feeling all at the same time…….

I’m still not feeling very well* but I was bored out of my block with being at home by lunchtime so I decided to go into work anyway on account of the fact that my temperature had come down to a reasonable level and because all I was doing at home was sitting and thinking which is pretty much what I do at work anyway. It didn’t end well because as soon as I found myself in the company of other people I discovered I really couldn’t be bothered with the company of other people** and also because I wasn’t my usual organised and efficient self which very nearly resulted in a disastrous ‘reply all’ error on my part.

Anyway – I’m home now with a very tired body and a wide awake brain. Wide awake brain is over focusing on a little thought and if I’m perfectly honest it’s threatening to drive me round the bend. The thing is I know that it’s a completely STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thought, but you know how it is with STUPID and ridiculously suspicious thoughts – they have a habit of hanging around driving you round the bend. For now, I’ve decided to park my little thought until I’ve had a chance to speak to someone sensible about it*** because I’m in danger of a) asking a stupid and suspicious question b) looking like a bit of an arsehole as a result and possibly c) not liking the answer because it turns out that somebody I think is nice is actually a bit of an arsehole**** And that’s why I’m feeling a little suspicious today. As for the feeling grey and tearful – I’m putting that down to being tired and poorly.

It’s not all bad in WeeGee land though. For a start I haven’t got a temperature of a million and three anymore. Which is nice. I’ve also got Frank Turner’s new album to keep me company. That’s nice as well. I think also, I might have managed to accidentally learn an important lesson into the bargain. Maybe that’s the nicest thing of all.

I’m conscious that I don’t seem to be mentioning Mr X on my blog very often, which is kinda strange given he’s a big part of my life at the moment. It’s interesting, because as far as Mr X is concerned I’m not all AWESOME, even though everything is perfectly awesome. I think the point is that I seem to have found a way to feel stuff without being consumed by it which is to say I’ve learned how to grow feelings. Until now a feeling either was or it wasn’t, and if it was it was everything. Now – well now I can feel the way I feel, without getting all carried away and lost and I can wait to see what happens. I think I might be nurturing it and tending it whilst also being aware of the way that feelings sometimes turn out in a different way than you expected them to. It feels like a happy and healthy way to be feeling – about myself, about another person, and about a relationship.

Funny sort of a post tonight, but one that makes a lot of sense and marks a lot of progress and signals some hope for the future.

If I wasn’t so poorly sick and ever so slightly suspicious I’d put today down as a good day!

Love you lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxox

*that’s another feeling
**idiots were lucky not to have been poked in the eye
***i know you guys are sensible but I think it needs to be a real world chat
****i love that my iPad autocorrects arsehole as arseholebastards.

Posted in About today

A little bit of a disaster

Posted on by WeeGee

This is the news: WeeGee is properly poorly sick and being properly poorly sick has TOTALLY ruined her AWESOME plans for the weekend. WeeGee is a little bit grumpy in consequence but is somehow a lot more chipper than you might expect. I don’t know why I’m slightly chipper as well as very grumpy, unless, of course, it’s because I’m mental……

So – a rotten stinking bout of poorly sickness turned up which meant I had to stay at home in bed instead of meeting up with my besties and then going to see Frank Turner TWO DAYS IN A ROW. I’m guessing the fact that I passed on seeing Frank Turner TWO DAYS IN A ROW will give you some indication of quite how poorly sick I’ve been feeling. Missing Frank is a bit of a disaster, because, you know, it’s Frank. In the UK. Being AWESOME. And I wasn’t there.

That said, I’ve been doing a bit of looking on the bright side. Here’s the looking on the bright side list:

At least I wasn’t taken ill at a gig because that would have been REALLY embarrassing.
It’s not as if Frank Turner is never going to play in the UK again
It’s not as if my besties are going anywhere
I got to stay in and watch Dr Who and Endeavour on the telly box
I had time to make a super duper chicken and tarragon casserole
I got the rotten bout of poorly sickness out of the way before I next see Mr X

I must admit, it was really hard to put the ‘looking on the bright side list’ together, what with having a temperature of a million and three and the general Frank related disappointment and all. The point, I guess, is that I did look on the bright side. I didn’t come over all defeated and devastated in the face of a little bit of a little bit of a disaster. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is very definitely progress.

Meanwhile in other news I’m still reeling about the idiot cyclist who nearly mowed me down dead whilst cycling the WRONG WAY up a one way street and then, rather charmingly, invited me to ‘kiss his arse’. S’alright though – I responded with an impressive array of swear words delivered with the conviction that only a Glaswegian can achieve and then I felt every so slightly better. Nothing else to report today save that I heart Frank Turner….

Loadsa love,

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Posted in About today

That joke isn’t funny anymore

Posted on by WeeGee

I knew that today was going to be complete and utter crapola when I discovered a small hole in my tube of betnovate* – if ever there was a sign from above, that there is it.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for today to come around for a while now because I’ve been a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried and when I get a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried I know that its only a matter of time before a mild case of the flat and empties strikes. Looking on the bright side, I’ve at least got to a point where the flat and empties no longer strike without prior notice…..

There’s nothing the matter with me that a little think won’t sort out – I know that, but I’m tired of my little thinks and facing up to things and talking about stuff. The only thing I really want to do today is pretend that the world isn’t happening around me, mainly because I don’t feel much like I’m part of the world and why would I want to acknowledge some place that I don’t belong in anyway?

Oh {insert a swear word of your choosing here}

It was Mrs Mountain day today and, given my mood, I’m not entirely sure that was a good thing because I feel like I might have wasted Mrs Mountain’s time as well as my own and I do so hate wasting time especially when I’m paying for the privilege of experiencing the time in question. On which note, it occurs that I don’t suppose Mrs Mountain much minds that I wasted her time, which makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

There was an awful lot of stuff I needed to discuss with Mrs Mountain today – in fact my list for today was probably one of the longest lists I’ve ever had but when I finally got to New Malden** none of it mattered anymore because I’d slipped into ‘nothing matters so what’s the point?’ mode which isn’t an ideal mode to be in on Mrs Mountain day.

Pfft.

Here is a list of the important questions that I didn’t but should have discussed with Mrs Mountain today:

Why does someone wanting to ‘look after’ WeeGee scare the living daylights out of her when actually it’s a lovely thing to want to do and WeeGee ought to feel blessed that somebody might want to do it for her?

Why do so many people think that WeeGee falls in love ‘too easily’ when actually it’s the hardest thing in the world for her to do?

Why does WeeGee feel like there’s a blackness in her heart even when she is, to all intents and purposes, happy?

What do people really see when they see WeeGee?

Why can’t WeeGee shake off the feeling that she is neither a real or proper person even though her logical brain knows that she is obviously real and mostly proper***

Confusing stuff isn’t it? And that isn’t even the full list…… I sooooo need a lift to planet mental.

Double pfft.

Anyway. I’m not sure there’s a point to today’s post which is just fine and dandy because there isn’t much of a point to anything and why should my blog be any different anyway. I’ll doubtless be back tomorrow, bouncing off the walls and being all AWESOME and stuff but for today I’m quiet, and grey, and full of the flat and empties but not like I used to be because I just want to make dinner and watch rubbish telly and wait for tomorrow instead of starving myself, hiding and then jumping off a tall thing so that tomorrow never comes.

I guess that goes down as progress…..

I leave you today with a little song that speaks to me today:

Love in spite of a hint of the doomy gloomies from WeeGee xoxoxox

*only fellow betnovate users will understand this one – it’s hard enough to get betnovate out of the tube without factoring in a hole in the bloomin’ tube. ROAR
**after considerable transport chaos. ROAR
***I suppose how ‘proper’ I am depends on your take on morals and stuff…..

Posted in About today

Wrong frame of mind

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve spent most of today being in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ – at least according to Mr Hilarious’ analysis. I’m not sure what I’m in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ for unless it’s life on planet earth……

Pfffffffft.

To be honest I feel a lot like swearing but not in my usual casual way, in fact, I feel like saying all the REALLY bad words I know just because I can. Then again, that wouldn’t make for a very good post, would it?

I think I’m mostly just tired. I’m tired of my job, and of my friends, and of my family, but most of all I think I’m tired of being awake. I’ve actually been awake for quite a long time despite my very best efforts to the contrary.

Tonight I keep thinking that I wish people would just let me be, trust me to know myself, and have some faith in the fact that WeeGee might be a lot of things but being a TOTAL IDIOT really isn’t one of them.

I know that people are trying to care and I know I’m lucky that they do but one of these days I’m going to have to step back out into the real world without a safety net. It’s tough I guess for the people who dragged me out of the dark but now I’m out of it I need to be in charge again because when it comes down to it I’m a strong little thing and when I’m well it’s my way or the highway.

Above all else I’d like everybody to just leave me alone for a while and stop with all this wisdom that doesn’t always sound very wise to me. What I really need is for someone to tell me that all is, and will be well. Because WeeGee is a strong and independent woman who can work all this stuff out by herself. And because things don’t always have to end badly – because sometimes they don’t have to end at all.

And if any of this made any sense to you….. Welcome to planet mental

Love you lots

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Posted in About today

Nothing to say for myself

Posted on by WeeGee

It would seem that my writers block has returned because as much as I want to blog, I don’t actually know what to say. I mean I’m all okay, and fine, and perhaps even a bit bouncy and excitable – it’s just that my voice seems to have disappeared. Where do you think it is? Do I really have to wake up at five in the morning to find a few words and put them in the right order?

Give me a minute……

Nope. I’ve got nothing.

Hey ho. At least I tried. I wish I could find some words because I’ve got lots to tell you about and some of it is actually good. Good news doesn’t come around too often here in WeeGee land so I’m looking forward to sharing it. Maybe tomorrow, eh?

Anyway. We might as well have a song since I’ve nothing to say for myself. It’s an old song that I’d forgotten all about until yesterday. It’s one of those songs that makes a lot of sense to me. I don’t really know why:

Loadsa love from an uncharacteristically quiet WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

Stone

Posted on by WeeGee

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Because it was there

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in About today

Hope is the thing with feathers*

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking that Mr Hilarious was absolutely right when he said there’s a big difference between WeeGee being all brave and independent and hard hearted and WeeGee cutting off her nose to spite her face. I do so hate it when Mr Hilarious is right……

I spent the day at the hospital having a ‘procedure’ A small and non life threatening procedure, but a scary one nonetheless. It ended exactly the way I had been told it would but hoped it wouldn’t. Being prepared is all very well and good but hope, it would seem, is so much stronger.

I don’t know why I insisted on going by myself, except for maybe I didn’t want anyone to see the hope I was pretending not to carry around with me. Still. I shouldn’t have gone by myself because I didn’t need to be lonely on top of scared and sad. There’s a lesson there – WeeGee shouldn’t be doing tough stuff by herself BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO.

When I got home I put the radio on and a song came on that took today and wrapped it all up in a neat little nutshell. It’s funny the way insignificant things take on significance when you’re in the right frame of mind:

It’s a sad little song, isn’t it? That said I also happen to think it’s filled full of hope and we’ve already established how strong hope can be.

I’m conscious that this is one of those cryptic posts I spit out every so often. I’m sorry I can’t be more candid yet. To be fair this is as close as I’ve come to a password protected post in the history of How do you eat an elephant?

Anyway. This evening I shall mostly be feeling a bit tender, and a bit sad, and a bit hopeful. I’ve decided to hang out online for company because it occurred to me today that my online friends don’t really exist. I mean that in the nicest possible way though, because what doesn’t exist can’t hurt you.

Sending HUGE hugs in the hope I get one or two back because that’s the kind of mood I’m in today.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxox

* Borrowed from one of my favourite Emily Dickinson poems:

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.