By the time a woman reaches a certain age, her childlessness starts to require some kind of explanation. I’m not saying it’s right, but somehow, if you make it past your 35th birthday without any little people on your books, you have to include it in the story you tell about yourself. You might be childless by accident, or by design. Or maybe you put your career (or some other aspect of your life) first. It might be that you didn’t quite meet the right person at the right time, or that you are still trying. Sometimes, there is tragedy and heartache lurking behind the surface. Always, though, one way or another you feel obliged to find a way to make it a part of your story….
For my own part I am a childless woman of a certain age, and whilst I suppose it is as much a part of my story as anything else it isn’t really the one I came here to tell. It is enough only to say that I am 39 years old and I haven’t had any children yet, which is really just to say that before my cancer diagnosis, having children had neither been completely ruled out, nor completely ruled in. It was, despite my advanced years, something that might have, or might not have happened in the future – or to put it another way altogether, I still, just about, had options. Cancer has changed all of that.
Before my treatment started I was referred to a fertility specialist with a view to keeping my options open. I understand now that I was lucky to even get the referral in the first place – research suggests that around half of younger women diagnosed with breast cancer have no discussions with their healthcare professionals about their fertility preservation options at all. Given all my circumstances, I was eligible for IVF and, to be honest, that felt like a tiny little silver lining. Not so much because of what it meant directly, but because it also meant that there was a world where I got to the end of this and then somehow ended up back in exactly the same place as where I started – with options to choose from. It wasn’t just about fertility, in fact, it was every bit as much about FUTURE as anything else. And at the time future was a very important notion to me indeed….
Alas, eligibility was not the only consideration. Once my staging scans came back my oncologist became very insistent that we started the chemotherapy IMMEDIATELY. Not, as you would think because the cancer had spread, but because it hadn’t. Triple negative breast cancer, you see, is a sneaky fucker of a cancer and, once it spreads your chances of seeing it off take a bit of a nosedive. As things stood, my chemo was due to start in January. On the basis of the staging scan the oncologist wanted to bring the chemo forward by three weeks, to December. The IVF would have meant delaying the treatment by eight weeks, even as an emergency case.
On paper, at least, I had a choice. I could have rolled the dice, taken my chances and opted to wait for the IVF. But very early on I’d decided to take the view that the doctors and nurses looking after my case were the experts and that I would do whatever they told me to do, no matter how hard. And so, if a doctor of some considerable standing and experience in the field of oncology couldn’t countenance delaying the start of my treatment, then neither could I. My whimsy about IVF being about the prospect of a future faded away. IVF wasn’t going to deliver me a future, it was the chemotherapy that was going to do that.
In the end it was the easiest most impossibly hard decision in the world. My chemotherapy started on Christmas eve, and the rest, as they say, is history….
After the third cycle of chemo my ovaries started waving a little white flag and who knows what’ll happen over the next five treatments. Perhaps they’ll be back for a final swan song when I’m better, but perhaps they won’t. Perhaps I’ll have the same options that I had before any of this happened, or perhaps I’ll have a whole new set of options to choose from. Perhaps my future will go in one direction, or perhaps it will go in another – I don’t mind so much. It’s the future bit that I’m interested in and any direction will do me just fine…..
I might as well wrap it all up with a song, because that’s the way we usually do things.
Here, have this one. It’s one of my all time favourites, and actually, seems quite apt…..
Love you all lots like Jelly Tots.