It isn’t always easy being a WeeGee. Sometimes, my brain gets mixed up and I feel sad in my heart, even though I have no good reason to feel sad in my heart. And it’s hard to go about being an ordinary little WeeGee when your brain is all mixed up and your heart is all sad and none of the sense you have been counting on makes sense anymore.
The past couple of months have been tough. I’ve been hurting, and I’ve been angry, and I’ve been perpetually awake. I’ve been confused, and unsure, and at times a little frightened. I’m not really any of those things anymore. Mostly I’m just tired. I feel washed up, like a shipwreck: scattered and broken – made up of pieces that used to fit together and amount to something.
Right now, I don’t feel like I add up to much mostly, I think, because I don’t care. I’m empty. I’m not doing the things I do, or thinking the things I think, or being the person I am and I can’t really bring myself to care. I keep thinking about who I used to be and how unattainable that person seems to me now: just another ship that sailed….
People change, and things move on, and nothing can stay the same. I know that but I wonder how other people manage it. How do you leave yourself behind, when yourself if the only thing you’ve been cultivating for your entire life? How do you go about getting older when you’re already an awful lot older than you intended to be by now? How does anyone make sense of this – day after day, month after month, year after year? How do you keep on doing it, when your brain is mixed up, and you feel sad in your heart, and nothing makes sense, and you are not who you used to be, or who you want to be, and you just keeping get older even though you need time to stop so you can think before everything changes again?
I’m doing the best I can. I’m waking up in the morning and I’m just going with it. I’m taking the days as they present themselves to me. I’m investing myself when I get the tiniest little spark that suggests I might actually give a fuck. I’m putting one foot in front of the other until I find my way to bedtime and I fall asleep hoping that tomorrow will be better because I know that if I can hope for tomorrow, I can hold on until it comes.
Hope is the most important thing of all. Hope is the thing that carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear; hope is tomorrow and every tomorrow after that; hope is why things change, and hope is why things get better.
Hope is where you get to when you have nowhere else to go and hope is the best thing to cling to on your way there. At least that’s what I hope, and that’s what I’m clinging to….
Love you all like lots and lots of Jelly Tots,
WeeGee xxx
How do you eat an elephant? 
Always. ❤
So much ❤ back at you. Always xoxo
I’ve no wisdom to share (rhio said it beautifully above) but can send a virtual hug to let you know people care.
Thank you my lovely. I love hugs 😀
Sometimes I feel like, I’m trying so hard to not be my old person (like the person i was with ED), that I forget that I have to be a new person, or carve myself a new life.
I tell myself that it’s okay to not know who I am, okay to not be the person I want to be, because sometimes just not being that other person is good enough, because sometimes it’s all I can be, all I have the energy to do.
It took me 28 years to be the person I was with ED, and I’ve only spent the last 4 years without it. Some people have spent the same amount of time JUST being the one person they are changing slightly over time. We haven’t had that. We’ve had to change massively, and CANT be the person we used to be. So maybe it’s okay that we don’t know our place yet, we just haven’t had time to learn where that place is.
This is so true. Maybe I have spent too long trying NOT to be the old person without really giving myself a chance to grow into a new person.
I guess we are still learning. And learning is good. xxx