Since last I wrote I have mostly been being disassociated. That’s not necessarily the way I would describe it, but you know, sometimes you have to put your trust in the White Coat People because at least they’re trying to make you better.
If I had to choose a word, I’d be forced to break the rules and choose three because I DON’T CARE and that’s the only way I can think of to put it. Christmas: I DON’T CARE; new job: I DON’T CARE; my life is infinitely better than it ever has been*: I DON’T FUCKING CARE…… (granted, that’s four words)
All this not caring is difficult to explain. I can say the words and people seem to understand what I mean but I can’t seem to make them know how it feels. I can’t help thinking that I’m just supposed to shrug it off, that somehow what I’m feeling isn’t real or if it is real that it’s just something that everyone feels and that everyone somehow manages to get over. This is the news: I can’t get over it. Trust me. I’m trying.
I know that I’m going to get through this mostly, I guess, because I’ve got through it before. I also know that things aren’t nearly as bleak as I think they are because I’m still out there in the world putting one foot in front of the other. I suppose what I’m saying is that it doesn’t really matter whether I care or not – all the things that are going to be will be and I’ll be there and I might still feel the way I do now or I might feel a whole lot better.
The sun will rise, the tides will ebb and flow, life will go on, and things will be. It doesn’t matter whether they feel good, or bad, or indifferent – because sometimes just being is the best you can hope for. And the best you can hope for is very definitely enough.
I’m trying to set myself targets at the moment – nothing big of course because I DON’T CARE and because it’s important that I don’t ‘overwhelm myself’. Little by little, bite by bite and all that. I’m also trying to connect myself, or re-connect myself, with the things that I care about: books, politics, music, blogging…… Here we have a blog post which is a target met, a pat on the back, and another step forward. Whatever happens, I’m planning on taking another one every single day.
As is traditional I’ll leave you with a song, for the sake of fun, and for the sake of a smile, and for the sake of songs that lift your heart – because those are the songs that matter the most.
Love you all lots, like jelly tots,
4 thoughts on “I don’t care”
I think sometimes we have to turn off the care. We have to just stop putting the energy into it and let ourselves recharge. Or how will we ever be able to really care again?
I agree, just being and continuing to be, IS the goal for a time. Thinking about putting one foot in front of the other and then doing it, deserves a lottery win, for effort involved. Sometimes there are no words to describes these feelings but I understand, from what you’ve said and what you haven’t. xoxoxo
I am sorry you are still having a time of it. I totally get the “I don’t care” part of it all too. ((hugs)) and like MM says above, one step at a time.
The mama in me has to ask – are you still taking your meds and are you still seeing a therapist? Not saying that those fix everything, but they do often help. And yes, you will get through this, but you might need a little help. I think it’s fair to say that we all do from time to time. One foot in front of the other isn’t a bad way to get things done. ❤