I hope you won’t mind but I really need to get this out of my head. I’ve been swimming around in it for a few days now and I’m tired. Before I go any further I should say that this is a post about suicidal feelings. Reading about suicidal feelings isn’t everybody’s cup of tea so you may prefer to sit this one out.
Let me be frank* I wish I was dead but, just to muddy the waters, I also don’t want to wind up dead. Makes perfect sense, eh?
For a very long time I’ve had a strong feeling that I’m not going to live to be an old person. I don’t know where it comes from or when it started I just know that it’s there and that it sits in my head. It’s one of the many things on the list of things that Wee Gee will never do for one reason or another**. I mentioned it to Mr Friendly once but he just thought it was a) sad and b) silly. It’s one of those residual feelings that never really goes away. And then I have a few days like the few days just past and it becomes clear to me that it isn’t silly at all because the longer I live, the more likely it is that I won’t live to be an old person. And yes, I know that statement makes no sense whatsoever except in my head.
I don’t often think about suicide – I sometimes go to bed willing myself not to wake up, but that’s a different thing altogether – and I don’t make plans to take my own life. By all accounts that should mean that everything is fine and dandy but it doesn’t.
The thing is it doesn’t matter that I don’t think about it, plan to do it, or want to do it; what matters is that once in a while I just snap and decide to try and do it. Thus far I have always been okay but one of these days I’m going to wake up dead and to say that would be an unmitigated disaster is something of an understatement.
Saturday was one of those days. It was a day of nothing – you know the days when nothing matters, nothing makes sense and everything feels like nothing? Nothing is the thing that I struggle to deal with the most of all – it’s unspeakably heavy and just as loud. Nothing is the reason that I do so many of the things I do to hurt myself and is the thing that sends me into hiding. Some people seem to think that having nothing on your mind is a good thing, but I wonder if those people really understand what nothing feels like? Waking up in the morning to find that everything that was your head yesterday – the little plans, the promises you make to yourself, the things you like, the stuff you care about – has fallen into a giant hole of nothingness taking you with it is no fun at all.
I’ve tried very hard to work out where nothing comes from and what happens to make it rise up and take over but I just can’t figure it out. Sometimes I think there must be a little chink of nothing at the heart of me that has to come up for air every so often, that I’m simply built around nothing and that I am empty at my core even if I pretend not to be. That’s when I jump off the cliff because I might get well enough to get out of bed without thinking about it, to banish the maddies, the jitters, fanatical food stuff and all the other crazy nonsense but I’ll never get well enough to fill the nothing up and it’s the nothing I can’t live with.
I don’t know when or why nothing is going to strike which makes it hard to go about keeping myself as safe. I’ve got my safety plan and I try to follow it to the letter but, in the grip of nothing I find it quite easy to stray from the plan and end up in all kinds of trouble. Bottom line of all this is that I’m mostly terrified of myself which is absolutely exhausting. I’m afraid I’m going to go and do something that I won’t live to regret without even meaning to do it.
Phew. It’s all getting a bit heavy here. Somebody should tell a joke…… Okay, I’ll do it: Q What’s invisible and smells of carrots? A. Rabbit farts. Boom boom {hangs head in shame}
Meanwhile in other news I slept right through until 6am this morning and I worked out that I spend about £300 a year on purchasing beverages from the coffee bar at work today. Nothing further to add save that I did squeeze a couple of asterisks in, so things must be looking up despite the rather gloomy nature of this post. Oh. And I’m writing this in my lunch hour at FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON.
Sorry about this one folks – the next will be better, promise.
Take care, Wee Gee x
*Whenever someone says that I can’t resist saying ‘okay… who shall I be’?
**Other things on the list of things Wee Gee will never do: get married, have children, understand why anyone would voluntarily eat a mushroom
How do you eat an elephant? 
I know what it’s like to feel suicidal yet not want to die . . . part of it is just that I don’t want to cease to exist, and I’m afraid that dying would make that happen. Like, I would just go out and have no more awareness . . . and that idea terrifies me.
“Waking up in the morning to find that everything that was your head yesterday – the little plans, the promises you make to yourself, the things you like, the stuff you care about – has fallen into a giant hole of nothingness taking you with it is no fun at all.”
Oh gosh, can I relate to this…especially the “nothingness taking you with it…” goes on for days on end. Where did all this nothingness come from? I wasn’t raised with nothingness, I didn’t grow up with peers I envied for their nothingness. I never read about nothingness in magazines or heard about it in pop songs. And that nagging cloud of verbiage inside my head challenging me to not care because none of it really matters.
And then, there are the good days where the nothingness is crowded out by birds singing, wind chimes in the breeze, and I’m grateful I’m still on this side of the earth. I only wish I had a way to map out of that pitch black cavern. If only it were that simple.
I’m glad you’re here, glad you write what you want to when you want to. Best to you today & always, I’m grateful you stopped by my blog.
Thanks so much for your lovely words. I agree that you just have to cling on through the nothingness and wait for the sun to come out again – it always seems to in the end. xx
You’re very welcome, sometimes it’s just nice to know others understand without judgment or criticism. Have you by chance watched the PBS special on depression? I’m including a link just in case you’re interested.
I benefited watching it and I recommend it to just about anyone who will listen. 🙂 It gave me a deep sense of peace and validation knowing I’m not alone, it is my hope everyone who watches it will walk away with something meaningful and helpful.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/depression/
Thanks for this. I’ll take a look later today x
You’re so very welcome. 🙂
“Nothing is the thing that I struggle to deal with the most of all – it’s unspeakably heavy and just as loud.” GET OUTTA MY HEAD! Seriously, you said it so well. I just stumbled across your blog today (how could I have missed you??) and I am so glad I did. I am so very sorry you have days like this, but I also understand way too well because I feel the same so much of the time. I hope tomorrow (and the next day and the next) will be better. ~Rainey
Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your lovely comment.
It means so much when people say ‘I get this’
Look forward to getting to know you 🙂 xx
I just wanted to add that I really enjoy reading everything you have to say. And just reading the comments that people have posted here, I am struck at how kind and affirming this blogging community is. I get so much out of reading not only people’s posts, but also people’s kind comments. Thank you for being a valued member of this community Wee Gee. I really admire and respect you.
-brandic
Thank you for making me feel so welcome! It’s a lovely little community, full of wisdom and support when the chips are down. Thanks for your lovely comment, your lovely blog and your lovely self 🙂 xx
I totally get everythng you wrote here… The nothingness, the wanting to wake up dead (YES!) yet not really wanting to ‘actively die’ etc. Its so my thoughtprocess too..
Just wanted to say a little hi and say I will now follow your blog. Love your writing. All makes perfect sense and I think you have the same (lack of) humor I have. I just do like mushrooms (but Im a vegetarian, that makes me weird by nature)
Hello. here’s a little hi back at you 🙂
I love that I have finally found somewhere that I can say ‘excuse me, I am mental’ and then somewher pops up and says ‘excuse me, I am mental too.
Take care, Wee Gee x
At least we sometimes make sense to each other, even when we don’t to ourselves..
I love mushrooms. Food of the Gods. I don’t understand why people would eat steak.
But I get the nothing. I wrote a whole post about the nothing too http://sailorcarrie.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/the-never-ending-story/ Like other feelings, the nothing comes and goes. I wish I knew what it is or what caused it. I like the idea of the nothing coming up for air every so often though. It’s like it needs to be.
xoxox
See I don’t really get steak either. Just think though, some people eat steak and mushrooms all at the same time!
WOW! Never ennding story is one of my favourite childhood films…. I can’t believe I’d forgotten about it.
I also like the idea that nothing is something that just needs to be once in a while. Maybe that’s how you learn to live with it – just give it a little space now and then?
I love steak and mushrooms!
I’m sorry about the nothing but you Mentals have gifts that the rest of us don’t. And writing is just the beginning. I don’t know why but what God has taken from you, he has replaced with something else. It’s not fair but WeeGee and Sailor and Dotty and MagicallyMad are all such talented writers. The mentals must be the price you are paying for being able to share your gifts with the rest of us. It’s not fair at all but I am struck everyday by your brilliance.
xoxox
Aww that’s such a lovely thing to say. Thanks so much. Love your blog, btw – look forward to getting to know you xx
I totally get it – why would anyone voluntarily eat a mushroom? It makes no sense at all!
Ahh the nothingness…. Been there too. A lot. I don’t know of anything smart to tell you that will help, as dealing with this is individual. But I can tell you some of the things that helped me. One of the big ones was writing about my feelings (or lack of) in my journal. The fact that you’re doing this blog my benefit you a lot. Next it was hearing about and talking to other people who had or was struggling with depression. It helped me a lot to know that others felt the same and understood me. And then off course to me something really helpful was prayer and studying the sciptures.
Hang in there, we are all here for you!
Mushrooms are evil and that’s all there is to it – what is it with people and eating mushrooms?!
Thanks for your support and hey – great to see you posting again. Sounds like you’re doing well and I’m glad.
Take care, Wee Gee x
“For a very long time I’ve had a strong feeling that I’m not going to live to be an old person.” I’ve felt that way forever, as well. It’s weird.
I feel the same way about feeling like there will be a point where you can’t control your actions anymore, and the results would be devastating.
Unfortunately, I have no advice…and really nothing else to say beside – I hear you.
Thank you for hearing me. It means so much to realise I can say all this stuff and find that there are people out there who say ‘ I get it’. Take care, Wee Gee x
I’ve only just started to follow you, but I have many similar posts, totally feel where you’re coming from. I just self-hospitalized for a month bc I could feel that void getting closer and closer, where I’d have no control when the self-harm comes. Your audience understands & supports you. And you can’t be empty at the core, this mental BS just leaves such a fog that we can’t access our true cores most of the time. But that’s just my ramblings. Just know there’s no way you’re empty. No way. Give yourself a hug from me & keep safe.
XOXO,
MM
Aww. Hug taken. Thanks for hearing me and for popping up to say hello. Hope all is well with you? Take care, Wee Gee x
I’m so sorry lovely, that you are feeling this way. I wish there was something better I could do than dropping love and hugs all over your blog.
❤ *hugs*
xxxx
Hey you! Love and hugs will do me just fine. Thanks sweetie xx Take care, Wee Gee x
I’m gonna steal that “let me be frank” response – thats hilarious! And I really enjoyed the rabbit joke too by the way. There are very few jokes that actually stay in my head (actually just one to my knowledge), but that one may actually stick.
While I’m thinking of it, wanna hear my joke? (assuming answer is yes, so I’ll proceed. If answer is no, please skip ahead).
What did the fish say when it bumped into the wall? —-> Dam!
(it’s better when it’s spoken because then the “dam/damn” has a double meaning versus being limited to one or the other.)
Anyhew.. I wanted to say I can very much relate to the feelings of nothingness. And the nothingness in your head (see the title of my blog!). I’m not sure I can think of anything to say to help it, but I just wanted to let you know that I can very much relate.
I also feel this strange, nagging feeling that I won’t grow to be an old woman. I have no idea why I think this or where it comes from, but it’s always haunted me. I’ve always had this strange sense I am going to die young. Could be a crazy brain glitch, or perhaps it’s true (for me I mean), but who knows. I haven’t told my partner, since I don’t want to worry her… But I do try to tell her stuff about what I would like to happen “if” I do die, even though she is many years older and by all reason, should be the one to go first. Sigh.
Hang in there. You’ve got someone listening who understands!
Aww Thanks so much. It means alot that someone is hearing this.
Thanks also for the fish meets wall joke. I like! I shall add it to my witty repartee 🙂 Take care, Wee Gee x
I haven’t read your blog for a while; I lost the link. I’ve just found it again, and I just want to say that I get this. I really get this. For too long, I spent my life wanting to live but wanting to die at the same time. Like, I’d wake up and decide that nothing was worth living for. I tried a few times, but after failing enough I gave up. Nothing? You have no idea how much I understand the big, fat nothing. It still grabs me now and then.
Thanks for stopping by. In a strange way I’m glad that you get ‘nothing’. Not because I wish that for anyone, but because it’s good not to feel alone. Take care, Wee Gee x