So, there I was, faffing about videoing myself just for the sheer hell of it (its amazing how easy it is to keep a WeeGee quiet) when I thought “I know, I’ll do a vlog!”
This is what resulted in ONE take only. Needless to say its a little bit rough around the edges but hey, here I am, and here’s what I’ve got to say:
Sorry it lives on Facebook. I’ll move it over to Vimeo or something later but for now I just wanted to get it up before I change my mind.
Love you all like lots of jelly tots xxx
I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..
I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.
Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?
I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.
I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:
Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx
Okay. Point number one is that I swear to god I’ll do the whole ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins’ post before the week is out. I’m dying to share it with you but every time I have the time to share it there seem to be other, more important things to say…..
So. What can be more important than ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins?’ Well. Interesting things are happening here in WeeGee land. Like WeeGee might just trust someone, and WeeGee tells someone the whole story, and WeeGee realises that all of this trust and truth is unprecedented, and WeeGee gets a bit scared and feels the fear and does it anyway. I’ve got a feeling that WeeGee is learning to cope.
Mrs Mountain and I had a good long chat last week. And it was up to me what we chatted about. That’s always been the way but I don’t think I realised how in charge I was. I think that maybe I underestimate myself. Most of the time I’m in charge but in my head I’m not. I guess I’m stronger than I think I am.
The point is that I’m doing this. I’m being alive, and I’m having a life, and a ‘relationship’ and when I hide its a blip instead of the norm. I care about the stuff I care about. I feel like things are starting rather than ending. I feel like its going to be okay.
Above all else – I’m not hiding. And although I think my story is tough, and ugly, and unbearable I seem to have found a man who doesn’t mind and who loves me any way. Big word, eh?
Dare I dare to think myself lucky?
Lots and lots of jelly tots xxxxx
Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..
I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.
This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.
The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.
I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.
Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.
But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.
Tomorrow always comes.
Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo