Posted in Recovery?

Ships with holes will sink

The first thing to say about today’s post is that it’s completely unrelated to the title. ‘Ships with holes will sink’ is the name of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, mainly because it seems to neatly sum up that thing I refer to as ‘the story of my life’. Needless to say it isn’t exactly cheerful, and I don’t suppose it’ll be everybody’s cup of tea but we might as well have a listen to get us started:

Count your lucky stars you got the acoustic version because the album track would have given you a sense of what it sometimes sounds like inside my head and it isn’t exactly easy listening……

Anyway – since last I blogged I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing since last I blogged: having a nice little think. Sometimes I wonder if I might be the most thoughtful person on the planet but then I remember my blogging buddies and realise that I’m one of an elite few alien-people from planet mental. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? Knowing you’re not alone?

There was a point over the weekend when I felt like I was completely and utterly alone AND on the wrong planet. There were nasty little thoughts swimming around in my head and I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt for a little while – hopeless. And then I thought something very important. I thought what would Mrs Mountain suggest? It turns out that you don’t have to see Mrs Mountain every week to get the benefit of her wisdom. I think that might be what you call progress.

I suppose all happened was that somebody got under WeeGee’s skin because they said something that seemed to prove all the terrible things that WeeGee thinks about her worthless self and her ugly black heart. The point I think is that the words said nothing whatsoever about WeeGee and awful lot about the person who said them. I’m so busy trying to see the good in people, and looking for a way to forgive them that I forget to remember that sometimes people say and do shitty things and it’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t have to turn it all back on yourself. More progress, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these claims I make about being ‘shy’ because Mr Trendy said that I’m probably the least shy person he knows. The point, I think, is that he’s right. I’m not shy at all. It’s just that shy is a handy thing to fall back on when people scare you, and when you want to hide, and when you want to avoid the start because you can’t bear the ending. I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but it seems like an important way to think about it.

The headline today, I guess, is that WeeGee is hanging on to her sense of self even though it’s easily shaken and that she’s still managing to learn brand new things about the way she operates out there in the world. You can’t say fairer than that.

Meanwhile in other news I’m a little bit fed up because it turns out that one of the initial side effects of light therapy is that your skin gets REALLY sore. Nothing else to report save that one of the other initial side effects of light therapy is getting a rather nice, Mediterranean looking tan. Swings and round abouts and all that……

Cheery bye, sweetie pies. WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous

Posted in Welcome to my world

Breaking news: WeeGee is still thinking…..

My last post was a miserable little affair, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. I feel better for having written it because finally seeing the thoughts, in black and white, reminded me that there’s only one person responsible for the choices WeeGee makes and the way she feels in consequence and that’s WeeGee herself. What I think I’m saying is that maybe I’m not as good at boundaries as I thought I was and that there’s a lesson to learn. I do so love it when there’s a lesson…..

Since last I wrote I’ve been about a million different kinds of thoughtful – I wonder if I’ll ever be short of thoughts? I suppose I’ve been a bit hyper aware of the thoughts because there was no Mrs Mountain which meant I was completely in charge. I seem to have survived being in charge of all the thoughts without jumping off any tall things. Go me.

If I’m really honest, I suppose I’ve been having a small hide for the past week or so. It wasn’t one of those stay in bed wishing you were dead hides, more a WeeGee has been knocked for six by recent events and needs to get her thoughts in order kind of hide. I need to remember that my tendency is to give too much of myself away and that I get too wrapped up in the words and actions of other people. I need to remember that when WeeGee gets knocked for six she has to take a big step back and look after her own interests before she gets all worried about what anybody else might need from her.

Breaking news: Looking after yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people too.

(Repeat ad nauseam until you believe it)

I’m still thinking about what comes next for WeeGee. I’ve added another option to the list of options. If law is my dream then I guess doing a PhD is my pipe dream but, hey, I’m feeling a bit WeeGee can take on the world right now so maybe it’s time to pursue a pipe dream? As to what I’d study? Well it’d be an AWESOME piece of research on the relationship between language, information literacy, politics and the sense of self in social media. Yep. Really. Funding might be a bit tricky, but I’m not ruling anything out just yet because that’s not the sort of mood I’m in.

Before we get onto the meanwhile in other news section I wanted to come over a teeny tiny bit sentimental if I may? It’s just that it occurred to me, while I was hiding, that there are one or two online people who’ve come to mean an awful lot to me in the real world too. You make a lot of connections with people when you blog, especially when you blog about mental health issues. Those connections are important, and start to form part of your support network and that’s TOTALLY AWESOME. At the same time, I’ve stumbled across connections that are about more than having mentalness in common and I find myself in the odd position whereby I’ve NEVER EVEN MET some of my very favourite people on the planet.

So here’s a quick shout out, and a quick thank you, and a quick hi to my friends and favourite people I’ve never met: Carrie, Kendra, Garry, Jen, Erin, Zoe, and Rhio. You guys are so special that you get to live in WeeGee’s heart. But not in a creepy way :-p

Meanwhile in other news I’ve finally started the light therapy for my psoriasis. It’s a bit of a faff but I’ve got my fingers crossed it helps because I’m close to my wits end with it all. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Get me away from here I’m dying

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

Posted in About today

I am sailing

Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.

So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.

Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?

That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.

I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?

I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.

I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.

Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.

Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..

Love you lots and lots, WeeGee McAlien-Person

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Being without feeling

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo